Those who have followed this blog know that I love words, language and writing. It wasn't until tonight that I discovered ~ to my horror ~ that poetry is considered dangerous....
Once again, I was awake much earlier than I wanted to be. It fascinates me how in the early morning hours things that should not be a problem become magnified many times more than they are worth.
This is not to say that problems don't need solving, but in the moments between night and dawn ~ what should not be that big a problem looms larger and more oppressive then a couple of hours later when the sun illuminates the day ~ what seemed so large is revealed at its correct size. A size that is something that can be handled, dealt with or simply dismissed as not important.
I found this morning that my breathing changed (not for the better) and my mind became completely over-active with concerns that hadn't even made themselves evident in reality.
Being honest, it was nothing more than unsubstantiated fear. The kind of fear that creeps in on soft feet, and tries to take over the mind...which then translates into reactions of the body...the heart, breathing and even the skin temperature.
I would like to say that it's easy to say: "Begone!" But we know such is not the case. Sometimes, I literally have to get up and deal with each phantom individually~ individually, and firmly.
Perhaps you don't have these night-time holograms ~ if so, be very thankful. To those, such as myself, who do ~ I offer these quotes:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I am interrupting the usual part 2 of yesterday's post. There has been a slight change of agenda. Tonight violence came home to someone very close to me. We all know the statistics and TV news keeps us WELL informed as to what awful things are happening around our neighborhoods, cities and nation.
He was on the sidewalk and was pushed through the bushes lining the lot. The three ______ (insert your own inappropriate words here) were on top of him in moments. He had his wallet taken and his backpack as well. The wallet was found at the end of the lot, the backpack almost two blocks away. Fortunately, he was not hurt in any physical way. He was very shaken and, not surprisingly, very frightened. He was trying to catch the last bus and felt he was in a "safe" area of town.
and he helped him find his wallet, backpack and call the police. He also helped him through the initial reaction to all that had happened.
As I told TOBY as we were talking, he can be thankful his wasn't physical. The money and "stuff" could be replaced - the memories and nightmares will eventually fade. When physical violence gets involved, there's a lot more that has to be dealt with. And continue to be dealt with. I'm not going to go into my stories this evening.
This being TOBY's first day at his new job certainly put a damper on any feelings of joy and excitement he had. Perhaps over coffee tomorrow morning he will gain some of that excitement back.
Lay a plank down on the ground and ask people to walk across it blindfolded. Then - while the blindfolds are still on - raise the plank one or two inches at one end, and again ask them to walk the plank. You'll find that a lot of them won't do it - their perspective makes them fearful that they will fall. Even though it isn't high at all. It's the perspective that makes the difference.
However, many times they ARE that obvious if I will only take the time to look for them. In dealing with D&D and the current situation, I missed that clues that the problem was not TOBY (more on that tomorrow) but rather what THEY were expecting to occur in the situation and what they were expecting MY reaction to be (of course, in line with theirs!). Remember the false luggage tag of other peoples expectations?
It is almost second nature for me to worry about "what if" until it becomes "that's what's going to happen." Sometimes what I have worried about will happen (after all, the hypochondriac's tombstone DID read: "I told you I was sick."). But more often than not, it doesn't happen that way - unless I create a situation where that's the only outcome possible."Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it."
--Fred Rogers
The World According to Mr. Rogers.
I kept trying to change the categories, but they refused to cooperate. What I kept trying to label as concern wouldn't accept that title. What I had determined was anxiety simply refused to put on the crown and sit down. Finally, late this evening what they would accept became perfectly clear - I was the one having difficulty accepting the "word."
The dragon of loneliness, the dragon of self-hate and the third powerful dragon of fear. There is much I admit I fear, and there is much I still refuse to admit to fearing. There is, of course, the reasonable fear that protects us - or makes us take action when needed. The kind I'm dealing with is the kind that can stop someone dead in their tracks. The kind that can eat away at someone until they are hopelessly enmeshed in the fencing around healthy thought or life.
The fear that was creeping over me concerning my physical problem is simply melting away. In short, I had something I thought was a boil - which isn't, and the swelling is spreading. I'll be at the Doctors tomorrow and will know more then. In the meantime, my mind had created an incredible set of theatrical pieces (Having spent many years acting, directing and writing - it happens!!) The worst part about all those "scenes"...they had no basis in reality only anxiety and fear. 
I told a friend today that it reminded me of that moment when the grocery bag has a small hole and then suddenly "rendeth" open and dumps everything out. I was just glad that I had a couple of other "bags" to put everything back.
Toby and I spent much of the day just chatting and even some - dare I say it - dozing off (and you thought we were doing what?). There were two lengthy conversations later in the day, that I'll post on later. But, that seemed to set the tone for the evening. There was a great deal of honest talk - some of which fell into the "I'm not sure I want to know that...but I'm glad I do" category.
The evening's middle trauma was a phone call from one of the D's announcing that they were through with each other and that I could expect a phone call from the other shortly. Having been around them as for this long, I cudda/shudda moved that announcement from the "I need to worry about this right now" to the "I'll worry about that when I get around to it" category.
The next sentences were completely unintelligible. Now, this was a call to action. There are two people who live very nearby and with one phone call one was on the way to see what was up - or down.
Let me explain. When I worked for a certain major airline - the flight attendants had a expression for those people who discover that someone is supposedly sitting in their seat. (next time you're flying - watch for this) They usually stand in the center of the aisle and turn around and around. Hence, the name spinner. Of course, with all that's gone on the last couple of days - I could emotionally become a spinner as well.
people were concerned about why Britney cut her hair (Lice? (ewwww) Her soon to be ex-husband's threat to use it for drug analysis? Because she wanted to make a statement?) and whether and why she's been in and out of rehabs - usually lasting only 24 hours.Remember when Republicans ran Congress and everybody was so corrupt and then the midterms happened and the Democrats swept in with a bold plan to have ethics and all that? Well, they were just kidding.My local stations started their newcasts with extensive coverage of the battle over Anna Nicole Smith's body and baby. There seems to be great concern over the fact that her body seems to be deteriorating sooner than expected. Personally, I always thought that's what bodies did - but based on the news reports, I could be wrong.
House Majority Leader Steny Hoyerhas a great vacation planned for May: He’s going to a fancy golf & beach resort in Puerto Rico where people get “sensually awakened.” And he’s taking a planeload of lobbyists … enough to fill 137 luxury hotel suites. Doesn’t that sound nice?
But unlike Tom DeLay’s unethical golf trip to Scotland with Jack Abramoff, Steny’s seaside lobbyist orgy is completely okay because the lobbyists aren’t paying Hoyer himself — they’re paying Hoyer’s PAC
--www.wonkette.com
Innocent Americans' data is being swept up and stored thanks to the use of the "full pipe" data gathering technique. Second, that the government's Total Information Awareness Program - which was "killed" but never defunded - was being used to build domestic spying facilities around the country.At least, after digging through a lot of news blogs/sites, I know I haven't lost my mind - I just, perhaps, have a different outlook as to what is important. Or what I feel I should be concerned about.
I caught PBS's NOW program last Friday by chance, and I'm glad I did. They have resources not available to this lowly blogger. What PBS discovered will chill your bones. Yes, data on innocent Americans is being intercepted and stored.Additionally, more whistleblowers have come forward to establish the existence of another secret spy room on AT&T's network, built post 9-11.
The key findings in PBS's report:
--The government is intercepting most emails sent domestically.
--AT&T is collecting most emails and sharing them with the government, specifically the NSA (this is backed up by Klein's documents).
--The NSA spy room at AT&T's San Francisco facility is only accessible to the NSA and AT&T employees cleared by the NSA.
--The NSA's interest seems to be in MAE WEST, *the* major hub of American and international internet traffic on the West Coast.
--The device installed in San Francisco is capable of intercepting 10 GIGBYTES of data per second.
In layman's terms, that means it could go through all the information in all the books in the Library of Congress in 15 minutes.
--www.crooksandliars.com
Forgive the shift in tone from yesterdays warm romanticism (which I will return to) and previous posts about integrity, childlike enthusiasm and such. I had been out and about all day, and came home and opened my emails to see what people had sent, and to enjoy the communication I've had/I have with some of them.
This header referenced Amore and Poison to Medicine. Ah, a reader...no problem then. But, there was a problem. I guess I have somewhat "made it" in the blog world,"Eventually, there will be no more problems with your kind. The change is coming and it will be for good."Take a good look at that again,
doesn't the phrase "no more problems with your kind" stand out? It almost hit me across the head when I read it. That phrase has fueled great controversy in the past -- the Nazi's and the "Jewish problem," the bigots of the American South and the "N* problem." and most recently for me - the church I WAS attending and the "(denomination) church problem."Dr. James Luther Adams, my ethics professor at Harvard Divinity School, told his students that when we were his age—he was then close to 80—we would all be fighting the “Christian fascists.”Dr. Adams was in Germany 1935-36 when the Nazi's were coming to full power. The corollaries between that time in Germany and today in the US are remarkable.
The warning, given 25 years ago, came [when public religious leaders] began speaking about a new political religion that would direct its efforts toward taking control of all institutions, including mainstream denominations and the government.
Its stated goal was to use the United States to create a global Christian empire.
This call for fundamentalists and evangelicals to take political power was a radical and ominous mutation of traditional Christianity. It was hard, at the time, to take such fantastic rhetoric seriously, especially given the buffoonish quality of those who expounded it. But Adams warned us against the blindness caused by intellectual snobbery. The Nazis, he said, were not going to return with swastikas and brown shirts. Their ideological inheritors had found a mask for fascism in the pages of the Bible.
Adams saw in the Christian right, long before we did, disturbing similarities with the German Christian Church and the Nazi Party, similarities that he said would, in the event of prolonged social instability or a national crisis, see American fascists rise under the guise of religion to dismantle the open society.
He despaired of U.S. liberals, who, he said, as in Nazi Germany, mouthed silly platitudes about dialogue and inclusiveness that made them ineffectual and impotent. Liberals, he said, did not understand the power and allure of evil or the cold reality of how the world worked. The current hand-wringing by Democrats, with many asking how they can reach out to a movement whose leaders brand them “demonic” and “satanic,” would not have surprised Adams.
Like Bonhoeffer, he did not believe that those who would fight effectively in coming times of turmoil, a fight that for him was an integral part of the biblical message, would come from the church or the liberal, secular elite.
The...right has lured tens of millions of Americans, who rightly feel abandoned and betrayed by the political system, from the reality-based world to one of magic... This mythological worldview...creates a world where facts become interchangeable with opinions, where lies become true—the very essence of the totalitarian state.All that said, I have a strong belief system -
It includes a dark license to kill, to obliterate all those who do not conform to this vision, from Muslims in the Middle East to those at home who refuse to submit to the movement. And it conveniently empowers a rapacious oligarchy whose god is maximum profit at the expense of citizens. We now live in a nation where the top 1 percent control more wealth than the bottom 90 percent combined, where we have legalized torture and can lock up citizens without trial.Arthur Schlesinger, in “The Cycles of American History,” wrote that “the great religious ages were notable for their indifference to human rights in the contemporary sense—not only for their acquiescence in poverty, inequality and oppression, but for their enthusiastic justification of slavery, persecution, torture and genocide.”
George Santayana from Life of Reason, Reason in Common Sense (1905!!):
'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.'
some of which aligns with what is being called the "religious right". Some aligns with what is being called the "godless left." So I have grounds and knowledge to be able to speak to most issues. As to the letter I received that caused tonights post, I did send an email back. I gently took issue with some of the statements he made, suggested that he really needed to search his heart and the Word to form his own opinions and seek/see the truth for himself. I even offered some places in scripture to look.
(at/on the bus -stores-waiting for a friend to get out of work) I was struck by the various attitudes and behaviors. I realized how much people seemed beat down, giving up and incredibly unhappy with themselves and the world around them.
An NBA star announces he's gay, another NBA star says he hates gays; someone announces their candidacy for public office, others immediately announce why that person is unfit for public office. Hundreds get trapped on airplanes frozen to runways for hours. And it seems so much that should be harmless suddenly becomes deadly - peanut butter, who would have thought? And fear can grip like a viper and spread its deadly poison.
childlike enthusiasm, hope, joy and personal responsibility.
house, newer car, college for the kids, and many additional outer expressions of the so-called necessities of life. How many moms and dads are overwhelmed just trying to keep up with their notions of what is called for to be a successful family? Being too busy trying to manage a career and a family and not having fun and joy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Some people born as ripe, plump grapes have become dried up old prunes. Why be a raisin when you can be filled with juice?
The work of an individual still remains the spark that moves mankind forward...
allied with power and all difficulties are bravely met and wisely overcome. Thought allied fearlessly to purpose becomes creative force. Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your heart. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Knowing others is wisdom; knowing the self is enlightenment.
Be not afraid of changing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
I began to send thoughts/prayers/energy their way - very specific ones I might add. There are times when people we know are hurting, ill or in serious trouble and we can be quite specific. Other times, we can only be general as the exact nature of what's going on isn't known, or isn't being said.
Sometimes the situation looks so hopeless that I feel helpless. But that forces me to remember that distance is no barrier - especially when joined with others from all over. That places the love everywhere present and helps to unite even when separated by great distance. And that's encouraging.
really meant. It was in that category of phrases I thought I knew, and have used - but didn't really have a grasp of the enormity of what it meant.
anything tonight. And I especially didn't want to talk about much of anything. I thought that I would just put up a pretty picture, write about being back tomorrow and that would be that. For a short while that seemed to work as an idea, but then I realized that because I had set some goals - I was going against what I had decided when I first opened PB & J. One of the goals was I would post at least once per day, unless I was sick or such. Another one was I would be sharing and honest. And I've just finished a funeral. (read on McDuff to find out what I'm talking about!).
overcast day, I was feeling fine - and actually accomplished a number of things I wanted to get done. And I had some relaxing time and even got some reading done.
just sat down. I couldn't put my finger on what was going on with me. I finally got up and forced myself out the door. I have found that I can cocoon quite easily if I'm not careful and aware.
I'm hurting. But I sat down on the bus, with a smile on my face (no song in my heart, I'm sorry to report!) At the grocery store stop, the walk to the store was not bad at all. I almost felt as if the pain was going back to where it had been. I did my shopping - slowly - and then checked out. I was struck with how many crabby people there were in the store. One lady was angry because the sacker didn't pack the way she liked it, and so - holding up the line - she repacked everything complete with play by play commentary. I have made a conscious decision that I will try to be understanding of people's bad moods. As someone said, I don't know what battles they may be fighting.
ripple, but a crashing wave. I was totally taken aback...and awash. I turned the TV off, turned off the computer - turned down the lights and just sat. I listened to within, and searched within to find out what was going on and why.
wore the wrong outfit, was surrounded by multitudes because of his charming wit, incredible taste, and never ending knowledge of the world around. This WD was a perfect house keeper, gourmet chief using only the ingredients on hand, and could manufacture soap from bread crumbs if necessary. This WD was never at a loss for words, never had to struggle to get ideas out and explained, was sought after as a speaker, house mate, lover and - if offered - president of the universe. This WD was unafraid of what might happen with his knees, or that the teeth needed some attention, or that the store bought glasses were not really working. This WD would never share about struggles, pain or fear - as the people around realized that he had none, or if he did they were of such little consequence, a mere flick of the finger would remove the annoyance. And (as someone at the funeral pointed out) this WD was becoming a royal pain in the ...butt.
parts were within me. And as I continue in the struggle to make my maps match my territories, he would have been a major force in keeping me from reaching where I want to go and what I want to be. Perhaps there will be other funerals I will have to have. I'm sure I'll have to have more than one for good ol' WD as he's quite a survivor, but I think those will be a lot easier.
