Saturday, January 13, 2007


This could be put in the category of "oh, damn - my new shoes..."

This one will be difficult to defend as a field trip ... but then again ....

Lions and Brains and Sex ~ Oh My!

Since we as humans want to place everything in categories - neat, compartmentalized and easy to deal with. It comes as no surprise that people would be worried about the gender of their brains ... LOL

Want to know what your brain gender is?

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

Give it a might be surprised! ...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Poison to Medicine

Remember you've got a choice.
When you feel you can't handle something,
you can either choose to feel miserable and helpless,
or maybe put your life in someone else's hands to sort out - if they can be bothered.
Or you can decide to take charge ,
take full responsibility for whatever is happening,
even if none of it seems to be your fault,
and decide to turn poison into medicine.

- Geoff from the book, "The Buddha, Geoff and Me"

The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination
where a person gains what he did not have
or becomes what he is not.
It consists in the dissipation of one’s own ignorance concerning one’s self and life
and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening.
The finding of God is a coming to one’s self
- Aldous Huxley

Sometimes the randomness of thoughts link together and drive the consciousness into places and patterns I have no intention of letting it go. I had a delightful phone call from a dear friend this morning, and several of the topics that we/he gently touched on took hold and roiled around all day. This was also brought to fruition by a chat at the bus stop with someone I know is having a very tough time - with no support system (inner or without) to help.
While this dealing with inner issues certainly is not a bad thing - it did manage to consume time, energy and spirit. As I approached the evening time, I realized I was fatigued. A mental kind of fatigue that at first bothered me - but then I realized it was a fatigue from actually having accomplished some mental/spiritual things.

So, that led to the consideration that over these nights of ideas is the concept of truth, self and love . Is what happened preventing me from being my true self, the self I am intended to be. Was the progression in this life going to change me in such a way that I will not be the me I know now and that the me I know now will not be the me that other people know.

That's when I once again took a long hard look at a relationship that almost destroyed me. This time on paper - and to place it in public.

When I first met ZZ, he was - or seemed to be - a deep seeker. He also was delightful, charming, funny and in many was in need of support. We became friends. As the time went on I thought the friendship was deepening into a deep friendship. He was just getting over a very deep and prolonged long term relationship and looking, or so I thought, for support. I found out later that his relationship had been predicated on a lie - an absolute lie he created. He wanted me to just be a good deep friend. And I was willing to do/be just that. I didn't know about the previous relationship being built on a lie, and when he maneuvered me into being something I was not - and this is hard to admit - I went along with it.

When I made that conscious decision, I set myself of a path of absolute destruction. I had allowed the lie to come in, to begin to grow and to make itself quite at home. For a number of years, this lie was as a stage director consuming more and more time for the stage. As I wrote the other night on fences and boundaries - I also believed that the friendship could possibly deepen even further - even though I was so far off ZZ's radar I wasn't even a blip on the screen. I began to tear down boundaries and fences and to lay myself open. As I also said the other night, in a relationship this is something that has to be done - but in the wrong situation can be very dangerous.

Now, understand this relationship between ZZ and I was never physical. But it took me quite some time to realize/admit that it was a relationship non-the-less. But there were several things wrong on my part - 1) Who/what I was to him was based on a lie of his choosing and my own accommodation of that lie, 2) I was trying to be what I was not and 3) I was giving up myself piece by piece - belief by belief. I also 4) was hiding my own lies about feelings, beliefs, dreams and hopes. And, of course, when that happens, the well can and will run dry at some point.

Mine ran so dry that I ended up by giving up on everything including life. However, from that lower depths came a wondrous journey ... that has me where I am today. To quote what I posted at the top: The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination where a person gains what he did not have or becomes what he is not.

Chapter two of the story or as a famous radio commentator/author might say: Tomorrow the rest of the story!

Tulip from Triumph Tulip by Steven N.Meyers (

Another Elegant Time Waster ~

If I hear another person say: "connecting the dots....."

That doesn't take away from the elegant simplicity of this game. Really all you need to do is complete the board with dots. What could be simpler? What could turn out to be more frustrating? And it's still a lot of fun!

Actually, "connecting the dots" IS marginally better than the phrase "at the end of the day," which, thankfully, seems to have faded into the night!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Two Very Special Guests

I have been writing about my journey concerning truth, childlike enthusiasm and love. During this time, I discovered a wonderful blog written by Steve and Warren. It’s called simply Our View On Superior. Since they live near Lake Superior - it’s a very apt title.

It also is a searing, unflinching and honest blog. I have it listed in my blogs I read section, but here is another link to it.

For those of us who are “older” we look on in awe at what some people have found together, and Steve and Warren are people who have worked at their relationship, and found something powerful and wonderful. They seem to continue their journey in love and communication with profound respect for each other and for life.

I salute them...and offer this posting in its entirety from their blog for you to see. It deals with words and love. And it touched my heart deeply as well as profoundly.

In an unusual move for me, the only picture in the posting is the one they used on their site ... by the poem at the end - which, by the way, is one of the more beautiful ones I have read.

And someday - I hope in the not too distant future - that I will be able to look at my partner this way --

I will be interested in what you think of it ...And please do not use their post without asking them first.

It is strange how words can change the flow of life. For nearly eight and one-half years words have been at times misunderstood between us. He is 33 and I am 60, we come to this world and to this relationship from different eras of time. Our words learned and our words spoken do not necessarily mean the same thing in today's era of time. Steve was taught this, and I was taught that; Steve learned this and I learned that, he understood this and I understood that.

The way we speak, the reason we speak, what we mean, what we don't mean - are all about us - together and spoken in love.

Words spoken in love, in jest, in kindness, in moments of hurt, in all situations have a way of hurting or helping a relationship such as the one Steve and I share together.

Has it ever happened that you have stopped to think about the power of words? Probably not - because most of us simply do not stop to think - but we speak first and listen second. Depending on how they are used, words can:

* bring about confusion to our lives
* create enormous and very walls that we sometimes hide behind
* come between you and your mate like a razor sharp knife that cuts and hurts one or both of you
* brings about fear and mistrust between you and your mate

Or they can:

* encourage us to try new adventures and new ideals in life
* many times they can bring peace to a hurting and broken heart
* create bridges of our friendship with our mates and increase our love for him
* and even sometimes they can pass on eternal truths to the one we love
* break down walls of fear

Each of these items is true of all words, whether spoken or written.

Your words will show what's in your heart, so decide about your words carefully, look into your heart. If you find anger, fear, hurt, and other types of darkness; showing or speaking those words to others may not have a good final outcome. Ask me, I've done that and so has Steve - we've hurt each other and in all cases we truly never meant it.

When your heart is boiling over with respect, gratitude, understanding and love, your words will touch your mate's heart with softness.

I've learned that I need to keep in mind that spoken words can not be unsaid, written words can not be unread.

We each need to learn how to use the power of our spoken and sometimes written words with discretion and leave instead a never ending trail of joy for the man we truly love.

When I lie beside Steve,
His knee presses
Against the underside
Of my knee,
His hand presses
Against my chest,
As if holding me together.
If I wake,
And he isn't beside me,
I'll curl up
Like a frightened child,
Lost in the dark,
Afraid to move.
If I wake,
And he isn't beside me,
The thickest blanket
Won't keep me warm.
But I wake,
And find him
Beside me.
He holds me together.

Together - love spoken to my mate.

Yes, I have faith.

The Sound Of . . . ~

A dear friend who is a member of a very active forum that I am a member of as well had these today. After I stopped chuckling and nodding in agreement, I decided to share them.


Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Thanks O for sharing!!!!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Sticks and Stones . . . But Words ~

Sticks and stones
may break my bones -
But words can
never hurt me.
--nursery rhyme

Words! Words! I'm so sick of words!
I get words all day through;
First from him, now from you! Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars Burning above; If you're in love,
Show me! Tell me no dreams
Filled with desire. If you're on fire,
Show me!
--Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady

There is a group dedicated to studying the English Language of North America. Now, before you think of some stuffy group working in a velvet wall-papered study clouded with ciagr smoke and drinking port and sherry arguing the nuances of potato versus potatoe - nothing could be further from the truth.

This group actually collects current words and then through a voting process nominates and selects word(s) of the year.
Founded in 1889, the American Dialect Society is dedicated to the study of the English language in North America, and of other languages, or dialects of other languages, influencing it or influenced by it. ADS members are linguists, lexicographers, etymologists, historians, grammarians, academics, editors, writers, and independent scholars in the fields of English, foreign languages, and other disciplines. The society also publishes the quarterly journal American Speech.
And I want to announce the word for 2006 --
Earlier this year in a move that caused shudders among textbook publishers and teachers with detailed lesson plans, The General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union removed Pluto as a planet. Downgrading it to a very lowly status.

To quote from the society press release:
to pluto/be plutoed: to demote or devalue someone or something, as happened to the former planet Pluto when the General Assembly of the International Astronomical Union decided Pluto no longer met its definition of a planet.
This should be a really fun word to use:

"Boy, there's a pluto waiting to happen..."
"I got so plutoed last night..."
"So, after he tried a hostile pluto, I pulled a data valdez and ended that grup's hold..." (using words from the press release)

The American Dialect Society began choosing Words of the Year in 1990. The full release including previous choices may be found by clicking here.(requires adobe acrobat)

Their disclaimer:
Not all words chosen for a particular year are destined to become permanent additions to the vocabulary. Y2K in 1999 and chad in 2000 are examples of prominent terms that faded quickly. An explanation of which words are likely to succeed may be found in Predicting New Words: The Secrets of Their Success by Allan Metcalf, published in 2002 by Houghton Mifflin.

Thanks for sending me the article Donna!

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Truth or ? (part 6)

As I've been dealing with truth in areas of my life, I've been drawn again and again to the power of living in truth. And with that power comes freedom. And that freedom becomes what can break the bondage that makes us unable to be who we need to be.

Change should be a friend. It should happen by plan, not by accident.
--Philip Crosby, Reflections on Quality

It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
--Millard Fuller

We compound our suffering by victimizing each other.
--Athol Fugard

When we discover that the truth is already in us, we are all at once our original selves.

I prepared excitedly for my departure, as if this journey had a mysterious significance. I had decided to change my mode of life. "'til now," I told myself, "you have only seen the shadow and been well content with it; now, I am going to lead you into the substance."
--Nikos Kazantzakis, Zorba the Greek

The thought manifests as the word;
The word manifests as the deed;
The deed develops into habit;
And habit hardens into character.
So watch the thought and its ways with care,
And let it spring from love
Born out of concern for all beings.
--The Buddha

Do not think of your faults, still less of others' faults; look for what is good and strong, and try to imitate it. Your faults will drop off, like dead leaves, when their time comes.
--John Ruskin

Truth is eternal, knowledge is changeable. It is disastrous to confuse them.
--Madeleine L'Engle, An Acceptable Time

The art of being yourself at your best is the art of unfolding your personality into the person you want to be. . . . Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others.
--Wilfred Peterson, This Week (Oct. 1, 1961)

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
--James Arthur Baldwin,playwright and novelist

The photos were ads made for the Philippine Daily Inquirer in the Philippines.
The ads were made by Dan Matutina from Idea!s, a nonstock nonprofit communications/design shop for nonprofits and development organizations.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

P. T. Barnum would be proud ~

Ok ... I was on my way to somewhere else (don't ask!) and I came across this blog ... and this article. After I stopped laughing and gasping, I thought I would share it here.

Sure, it's awesome, but does it make you want to buy a Honda?
    Meyer, a salesman at Honda of Decatur, has turned what he calls a "sideshow" into a regular occurrence at the dealership.

    Every time he sells a vehicle, he swallows a sword for the customer.

    "It's pretty impressive," Manager Kevin Allison said. "The first time he told me about it, I thought it was a trick. But it's real. I've seen him do it several times."


Oh yes, and here's the original article.....

Monday, January 8, 2007

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Amore and such

First was an e-mail from a friend asking come pretty pointed questions. This was followed by a "Hope this isn't a bad time" phone call. This is a friend of mine that has known me for a number of years...through the good times and the bad times. One of the reasons I enjoy this person is their continual journey toward living in truth. One of the topics we talked about was "love." Not the "do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I walk by again" kind of love, but the one that becomes part of the "fire in the bones" and where the person is "in your nostrils." However:
Every love affair has it’s lifetime . . . that as long as it has a start it has a finish. Some relationships last to the end of partners lifetime, some die soon after they started.
As we all know, not all loves work out as we want them to. Having had two long term relationships not work out as I intended, I've had a lot about them to have to deal with. And I would love to report that "moving on" was no difficulty what-so-ever. As I talk to people, and read other blogs I am struck by how many of us are dealing with what was, and trying to look into what will be. This mix gets stirred up by with what is. And "there be truth."

I Loved You
I loved you; even now I may confess,
Some embers of my love their fire retain;
But do not let it cause you more distress,
I do not want to sadden you again.
Hopeless and tongue tied, yet I loved you dearly
With pangs the jealous and the timid know;
So tenderly I loved you, so sincerely,
I pray God grant another love you so.
Alexander Pushkin

As I said, having had two long term relationship not work out, I had begun to take the blame upon myself, and only on myself. My life had become filled with "what if" and "what about" or "if only." As I had said before, the well had run dry, and the "child inside was crying, and I didn't know how to comfort him."


I've watched in the azure the eagle's proud wing,
His soaring majestic, and feather-
some fling--
Careening in liberty higher and higher--
Like genius unfolding a quenchless desire.

Would a tear dim his eye, or pinion lose power
To gaze on the lark in her emerald bower?
When higher he soareth to compass his rest,
What vision so bright as the dream in his breast!

God's eye is upon him. He penciled his path
Whose omniscient notice the frail fledgling hath.
Though lightnings be lurid and earthquakes may shock,
He rides on the whirlwind or rests on the rock.

My course, like the eagle's, oh, still be it high,
Celestial the breezes that waft o'er its sky!
God's eye is upon me--I am not alone
When onward and upward and heavenward borne.
Mary Baker Eddy
But still in very many cases lost love isn’t anyone’s fault. It is just the way things go. We should never stop believing that next time the feeling will be real and will finally last to the very end. We have no limit of times that we can fall in love and so although it’s sad to lose love, each time we do we should try to look at it as on the chance to find a new better one.
more to come on tonight's thoughts
"Come along with me - the best is yet to be!"

Togas? They Are So Last Century

Published: January 7, 2007
In the unforgiving fluorescent light of Rosenfeld Hall, a dormitory on the periphery of Yale's campus, students crouched in a hallway and quickly stuffed their clothes into plastic grocery bags. Shirts were left inside out, socks balled in pant legs. Giggling, they hurried into a basement storage room, where some 40 people stood around, under stone arches and gargoyles, wearing nothing but shoes.

. . . another senior, says the party changed her idea of what an attractive body looks like. “We’re used to the naked bodies we see on movie screens,” she says, “not natural, typical bodies. I found that people who would have been considered heavy with their clothes on actually looked better naked. I’m not sure why. And definitely the gaunt look was a lot less attractive. Visible hip bones looked alarming. It was a nice reality check.”

. . . “You find yourself accepting people in a completely different light. For me, there’s something totally captivating about it. It reinforces in a really profound way this common thread of humanity. Everyone is bared in all their glory, but it turns out no one is actually that glorious.”

As for the rest of the outfit, just leave it at the door — this party’s naked.

Rachel Aviv is a freelance writer in Brooklyn.

Monday - Monday!!

And it's the start of another week. How does your in-box and out-box look? It could be worse, after all it's the second week of the New Year - he's got a lot more to handle than we do.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Early Morning Thoughts ~ The Winter Of Discontent ~

Recently I had the opportunity to tell someone that I had been where they were...that I had experienced the moments they were dealing with. It was not an easy conversation, not an easy moment to talk about, or to relive. It pulled truth from me that I had not wanted to look at or even discuss. But, if it could make a difference in someone not making a final decision they didn't have the privilege to make - my own mental anguish over telling my truth would be minuscule in the long run.

And actually, it helped me gain even more in my journey. It started me toward this blog, toward re-evaluating many things in and around my life.

I doubt that there is anyone who hasn't reached a winter of life. In my case, it became more than just a winter - it became a dark night of the soul.
I felt as a tree stranded in the middle of absolutely nothing. As if there were no leaves of any part of my life left.
That I was
faced only with the glares of
my failures. That was all
that was left of what might have
been, could have been. I was
ready to actually make it Final.

But, just as in this picture, something
stirred within me. I didn't realize it at
the time, but it was as a child's swing on my tree. Awaiting a new ride and rider. At that time, I began to replant my garden of tomorrow and the garden of possibility!
I am grateful for this picture from my friend Chris in Pennsylvania. He had no idea what I had in mind for it, but graciously gave me permission to use it as I saw fit. It may NOT be used without his permission. While he is by far one of the sweetest internet friends I have,
he certainly could be provoked.

One kind word can warm three winter months.
- Japanese proverb

I read a large number of blog postings each day (I'm not going to tell you how many, or you'll think I have no life what-so-ever!). And I am continually reminded just how important we as people - and even more so - as gay people are to each other. We get so caught up in the "gayness" of our lives, that sometimes we forget the "humanness" of it. When that happens we start to lose leaves off our tree, and the bareness begins to show through. And searching for something to fill that void, we begin to frantically search for anything that will cover it up, create a distraction or numb it for a time.

Green thoughts emerge from some deep source of stillness which the very fact of winter has released.
- Mirabel Osler

This has been a fairly long journey for me. Having lost almost all, to begin to gain things back. But, having been to the point of almost losing everything (and I do mean everything - including life-!) I value now what I am finding/creating inside. And no, there is nothing perfect as it goes along. I'm still an - how did that one blog put it? Oh yes, "elderly frights" (older man - thanks Troll At Sea). But having been "there" and back, I also know the value of being able to wrap my arms around someone (or have them do it to me) and say "It will be ok" in a way that the words carry the meaning they are supposed to.

In a way Winter is the real Spring - the time when the inner things happen, the resurgence of nature.
- Edna O'Brien

So - using the nursery rhyme - Oh Mary, Mary. Quite the fairy - how does YOUR garden grow?

More on this for another post....

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Truth or ? (part 5)

When I started this journey with truth, I really hadn’t thought about other connections it might have. But when I decided that I wanted to have my childlike enthusiasm back it led directly to how I choose to deal with truth. After all, children live authentically, seldom afraid or embarrassed to seek out what they want or to speak their minds, unless they have been taught to fear or feel embarrassed to speak their truth.

Of course, as we grow older, we are taught to put that authenticity/enthusiasm away and adapt to what is considered to be “normal” to society. This isn’t a discussion about social graces or manners or integrity or ethics. What I’m talking about is the truth of who I am truly am - the characteristics, behaviors, passions and visions that are uniquely me . . . the true inner me. Without the masks of necessity, the hiding and lurking that living in society requires to function

This is motivating me to begin to be who I truly am and to discover my full potential. And to learn to work within the world around me without abandoning my authentic self. I may not speak my opinions or passions, but that doesn’t change the fact that I possess them.

It is very important that youthful authenticity and truth make up the qualities that help make me who I truly am. This is the true self - living authentically - . . . making time for things I love, enjoy and project who I am. It does require at times leaving the expectations of others behind and moving toward what I feel is the most worthwhile.

I need to become self-focused in a healthy way, doing what you know is best for you, regardless of the opinions of others - even the opinions of close friends and family. Living authentically means that I begin to make choices without fear, trusting in my soul's wisdom. Denying my unique truth can lead to feelings of failure and dissatisfaction because I am no longer acknowledging your true self. In living in truth, there are no pretenses. Everything I do will reflect the choices I make. That in itself is a MAJOR challenge.

When I am unsure who the authentic me truly is, I need again to look inward and ask myself the same question I ask my friend with the serious illness: “Where am I?” This mean I need to look again at what my purpose, values, and needs are. I need to honor my strengths and try not to fall into the trap of being guided by what others expect of you. It’s a journey that is going to allow me to rediscover my passions of new things, and sticking with those things that stir my soul. I found a quote that I absolutely love:

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
The Gospel of St. Thomas Logian

However - don't think I'm going to let you off the hook!(again, watch out friends)

Unless you are willing to look into yourself, you will miss the opportunity to know the real you—a life spent, not in living, but in keeping your feelings, desires and dreams at bay. If you look into yourself, you will confront your own, ‘enemy in the jungle.’ Unless you actively seek personal change through the hard work of introspection, you will, to some degree, have lived a non-authentic life and have been, to some degree, only a shadow of your true self. This, then, is your greatest personal tragedy.

And last, for this post, Let me leave you with a quote that I have been dealing with for several days. It really is an amazing challenge/caution.
"The essential aims of life are present naturally in every person. In everyone there is some longing for humanity's rightful dignity, for moral integrity, for free expression of being and a sense of transcendence over the world of existence. Yet, at the same time, each person is capable, to a greater or lesser degree, of coming to terms with living within the lie. Each person somehow succumbs to a profane trivialization of his or her inherent humanity, and to utilitarianism. In everyone there is some willingness to merge with the anonymous crowd and to flow comfortably along with it down the river of pseudo-life. This is much more than a simple conflict between two identities. It is something far worse: it is a challenge to the very notion of identity itself."
- Vaclav Havel, "The Power of the Powerless"