The New Year Begins With A Look Back (part 3) ~ Late Evening Thoughts

Life is a journey not for us to be lowered into the grave all pretty and looking rested. It is a journey for us to slide into the grave broadside ~ banged up, used up but still proclaiming ~
Wow!!! What a ride...WOW!!! What a RIDE!!!

When I left off the last post, I mentioned that EMT, Police and Fire had arrived at the complex and all of them in my apartment. I had sat down in the chair by the computer and awaited the arrival. I had not realized that as many people would show up. I also had not realized I was going to be asked so many questions ~ some of which did not make sense. Please understand, at that time I was without any money, no resources, no insurance and no place to stay. I really didn't think there was anyone that would help me. I became at that moment completely homeless and penniless. A very interesting situation to find myself.

Finally they decided I would not be able to walk and they brought a gurney in to take me to the ambulance. This meant that I would be taken through the courtyard of the apartment complex, which was full of residents trying to find out what was going on. It was not an exit I was looking forward to but I really didn't have much choice in the matter. This involved taking me through the living room door into the office and down six steps. I was barely aware of who was there ... except for three people, one of whom I gestured to come up and I held her hand for a long time. I had no idea what was going to happen to me, and for the first time in a very long time I was very, very frightened.

There was a discussion in the ambulance about where I wanted to be taken. They suggested this very nice and very expensive hospital ~ not really an option. I wanted to be taken to the level 1 trauma center here, which also treats people without question of money and/or insurance. I finally convinced them to take me there. I realize now that I must have had a concussion of some type from the fall that created the very large gash to the bone in my forehead. The ambulance people were very concerned that I stay awake and kept asking me "stuff." I had to describe at least three times what I had done, how I did it and with what ~ all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

I have no memory of the arrival at the hospital ER room. This particular ER I had written about before last December and didn't realize how accurate it would be.

The trauma team
all wear
black shirts.
Around them
an occasional
flash of
white whirling
about.

I don't think
I would
want to wake
up surrounded
by black shirts.
There are times
my life is
black enough
as it is.

It is true, most of the team wear black t-shirts saying trauma on the back. There are memories of the black shirts all around getting me undressed ~ and damn it was cold in there. There was poking, prodding, turning me this way and that, many questions I don't remember. Finally two white coats were suddenly there. All I could remember was a very, very old song ~ "They're coming to take me away ... hee hee. They're coming to take me away ... ho ho. The little men in the little white coats are coming to take me away."

All I wanted to do was sleep ... but there were a number of forms to sign ~ I had left my glasses back in the apartment, and couldn't read any of them. There were some discussions that occurred. Finally, there were nothing but white coats around me, and all of them were concerned with the gash in my forehead and evidently the concussion. I kept trying to tell them about my neck ... and they kept poking the forehead and shining a flashlight in my eyes.

One of them finally ~ begrudgingly ~ looked at the slits in my neck. I learned a new hospital term. Ordinarily when there is a problem that is serious, the term is "Do something STAT!" I've seen it in television shows, read it in books and heard it used even in that very ER. THIS time when one of his fingers literally went into one of the slits on my neck ~ quite deeply. I got the hear the new term: "Oh Shit!" I thought it a rather interesting replacement, but who was I to argue??

---more tomorrow

A Not So Elegant Timewaster ~ Mid-Morning Thoughts

Are you really frustrated? Is someone in your office driving you nuts? Are the kids driving you absolutely wild? This should take care of all that!! My youngest grandaughter introduced me to this "game" and I have to say ... it's very funny.

If you are at work, you might want to turn your speakers down a little for this one ~ people might wonder exactly what you are doing ....

http://www.simonpanrucker.com/beans.html

Enjoy and feel better .... OK, just enjoy!!!

O O P P S S ! ~ Late Afternoon Thoughts

I meant to add this to last night's post. When I flew up to Montana to speak at my Mother's memorial service as I was preparing my remarks, I found this saying conveniently attached to the candy jar. As a matter of fact, it fell off as I walked by ...

Life is a journey not for us to be lowered into the grave all pretty and looking rested. It is a journey for us to slide into the grave broadside ~ banged up, used up but still proclaiming (shouting?) ~

Wow!!! What a ride...WOW!!! What a RIDE!!!

---more later

The New Year Begins With A Look Back (part 2) ~ Late Evening Thoughts

As I mentioned in the last post ~ this story I'm telling has undergone some deep thinking an reflection, soul searching and hesitation.

In the last post I said, it was around the 28th of August that I quit my job and supposedly had to move out of my apartment within 72 hours. I had no plans, no place I knew of to go, but somehow, in the sickness of my mind I was convinced that it would all work out. Of course, it wasn't going to and certainly didn't. During the 2 1/2 months that I was managing I was also managing to cut myself off from everyone. I still talked to my Mother twice a day, as I had for almost two years, but even she was beginning to suspect things were not right.

And what did I do for the 72 hours that I needed to make plans and provisions? I drank. When you know that your replacement is going to be coming into the office ~ connected to the apartment ~ at 9:00am, any sane person would sneak out of the apartment around 7:00am and drink until it was safe to go back ... right? Trust me on this one, there are very few bars worth visiting at 7:00 in the morning.

I would sleep a little, toss and turn, pace the floor and then sleep a little more. Rinse and repeat.

By now, I was not only at the bottom of the cliff, I was under the rocks at the bottom and trying to dig down even further. I kept trying to find ways to sleep the entire night, but nothing worked ~ even overdosing on the over-the-counter medicines that use Benadryl as the only ingredient. By now, I had stopped calling anyone I knew, was refusing to answer my cell phone and decided that I was going to have to disappear to get out of the hell I was living.

--strong stuff follows ...you have been warned...

Sometime during the night of the 31st (I believe I have the dates right), I came to a terrible conclusion. The only way out that I could see was to end everything ... permanently, finally and absolutely. No partial or half measures. This was going to be it. The final curtain. From this point on, there are flashes of what happened and what happened to me. I do not have all the pieces and may never get them back ... and probably don't want to.

I knew that I needed to get it done early in the morning, before anyone arrived in the office. Now understand that one office door was four steps from my bedroom and the other door was 7 steps to the living room. Not exactly the world's biggest space and certainly too close to the apartment to hide anything. But I managed to -- I managed to.

When I made that decision. it was as if a light switch had been turned off, there was no going back and no pain (that's important later). And so I committed suicide. No, I did not make a mistake on the verbs. I should not be alive, however, I am so grateful that it didn't succeed and that I have gone through all that I have been through. I am a very different person from what I was a number of months ago - but, you know what ~ I'm also still the same.

I took my belt and made a loop around the clothes rack in the closet because that was the strongest place and I knew it would hold my weight. A few quick breaths and I put my neck in the loop ~ forcefully. The quickness that blackness overcame me was surprising. I was done. Unfortunately to my sick mind, but fortunately for me ~ I woke up on the floor with a large gash in my forehead down to the bone - that wasn't bleeding and didn't hurt. OK, this obviously wasn't going to work ... there must be some other way.

Now, in all honesty, someone in their mind would have simply stopped after the belt failure (makes it sound like a vacuum cleaner!)and said: "Wow! That didn't work! I should stop here." But. as I said, the light switch had been turned off. I remembered the eXacto knife I had recently purchased. I also realized that my replacement was due to arrive, and hopefully would stay out of my apartment until I was done. I literally behaved like a secret agent on assignment and slithered into the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain closed. I was determined not to leave a mess for someone to clean-up.

Now, doesn't that sound healthy? Not wanting to leave a mess? I'm about to do the most selfish act a human being can do, leave people devastated and angry ... destroy any chance to accomplish anything with my life and I'm worried about a MESS?!?!?

I'd read enough books and seen enough TV shows to know what I needed to do. Don't worry, I'm not going to go into detail ... if you want that, you can email and ask. Let's just say, I ended up with three horizontal cuts in the side of my neck and very little blood. The most interesting moment was when my replacement's boyfriend came in and used the toilet while I was ensconced in the bathtub. It was at that point I finally realized this was NOT working ... and had run completely out of options. I very calmly made my way out of the bathtub ~ with my knees it was not an easy thing to do ~ and walked through the living room into the office and announced: "I've just tried to kill myself, please call 911." I then went and sat calmly in the living room and awaited whoever was going to arrive.

I have no idea what she said to the 911 dispatcher, but shortly there were police, a fire truck and EMTs in the place. I was bandaged, tried to answer the many questions that were being asked by various uniformed folks. The one that sticks (sort of) in my mind was: "Do you have any sharp objects on your person that will hurt me if I touch you?"

--part three tomorrow night

Y A W N ~ Very Tired Early Evening Thoughts

I had said that I would continue the story of what happened to me over the last several months tonight.




However, it was was very long, active and busy day as I am continuing to purchase/find/borrow/steal everything I am going to need as I move into my new apartment. When I sat down at the computer tonight ~ all I wanted was to crawl into bed.




So, I'm letting you know to check back tomorrow night, and I will have another chapter of what happened to me.

But now ~ I'm going to curl up in bed, lay my head down and get a good nights sleep....... Unless ~

Keep me from going to sleep too soon
Or if I go to sleep too soon
Come wake me up. Come any hour
Of night. Come whistling up the road.
Stomp on the porch. Bang on the door.
Make me get out of bed and come
And let you in and light a light.
Tell me the northern lights are on
And make me look. Or tell me clouds
Are doing something to the moon
They never did before, and show me.
See that I see. Talk to me till
I'm half as wide awake as you
And start to dress wondering why
I ever went to bed at all.
Tell me the walking is superb.
Not only tell me but persuade me.
You know I'm not too hard persuaded.

-- Summons by Robert Francis

--more tomorrow

And All The Best To You!!!! ~ New Year Thoughts

Happy!!!

NEW!!!

YEAR!!!

The New Year Begins With A Look Back ~ Late Evening Thoughts

This posting has gone through a number of trials and travails. I wasn't even sure I would even write about it ~ however ~ I also wanted to end the new year with truth and begin the New Year with even more hope, joy and gratitude than I have now.

When I started this blog over a year ago, little did I know the road it would take and the road my life would take. For those of you who do not know, I have suffered for years from depression. What I never knew was the depth and severity of it. I never realized how insidious and deadly it could be. Even as I have read over old postings about the disease I have, I realize just how much I didn't know about it, how little I really understood what was happening to me and just how seriously it would effect me.

I also realized as I re-read the postings, just how important my attitude and sense of humor would be to me me. And it certainly has.

In my case, not only was I in denial about what was going on, I was convincing those around me that everything was "just fine, thank you very much." But I was NOT fine and my world had begun to crumble to leave me with absolutely nothing but the clothes on my back. There was no money, no place to stay and nothing to look forward to.

I've told about when my apartment mate came in and basically said: "I've not paid the rent, I've found a place and am moving tomorrow ... have a good day." I finally found a place to land while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. I moved from there into an apartment where I was completely on my own. I had no support system and basically nothing to look forward to or to plan on doing. That, and a couple of very poor choices I made about friends and a possible lover added to the already bubbling cauldron going on in my life.

When I was offered the job of managing the by-the-week apartments I was spiraling in many different and deadly ways. Of course, the fact that I later found out they were ultimate slumlords that didn't care who was in the apartments as long as they paid the rent and would not release money for real maintenance only made me cling to what was going on with an even tighter grip. Of course, I continued writing the Complex Tales for the blog -- all of which were true -- but tried to hide the hole I was slipping into ~ the cliff I was falling down from everyone I knew ~ including myself (which by the way, is very very very dumb!)

Serious "stuff" follows ... you have been warned...

Also at this point I had been "bending the elbow" with my boss quite regularly. Of course, I certainly didn't have a problem with alcohol ... of course not. Just the fact that once I started with just one ... there were always a number more. And since the boss was paying for it AND paid for the cab to take me home ~ this is a problem ~ how? Also during this time I was sleeping about one hour per night (if that) but convincing myself and anyone who asked that I was just fine and sleeping a lot. I was now getting thrown the last 30 feet down the cliff - and was bouncing at the bottom...and no Dudley Doright to cushion the blow. Could it get worse? You bet.

This part gets a little hazy ~ perhaps all the details will come back someday, but I'm really not looking forward to it if they do. I was being complimented and "honored" for having the best collections of rent in the system. For several weeks my tenants owed nothing and a good number even had credit balances. This, of course, led to even more drinks after work with the boss and the eventual discovery that he was a cocaine-head. He actually was stupid enough to do it one afternoon at the very bar we had been drinking at ON the bar. Yes, he created his lines and did them. (the plural is very deliberate! And no, I did not do drugs at least nothing was illegal or required a prescription!

I also had basically stopped eating much and what I did eat usually came back up at some point (my mind should have been going "Ding! Ding! Danger!") ~ I look back and realize that what was going on had actually been growing for some time, and that I "might" have known, but was in no shape to realize.

I think that on the 28th of August, I literally snapped and quit my job. Called my friend who managed one of the other properties and gave him my keys. I faxed my resignation into the main office. Now, if you think it was one of those big corporate offices (which they wanted everyone to think) it was only the Patriarch of the Family and three ladies who worked there. As I was living on the property, I had signed a contract that I was to be out of the apartment I was occupying (and in 2 1/2 months still hadn't unpacked) within 72 hours. I had no plans, provisions or even a safety net that I could see or think of.

To be honest with everyone and true to myself ... this is going to take more than one posting. Now that I have complete access to a computer I can truthfully say:

--more tomorrow night!