Please Pass (over) The Nuts (3) ~ Late Evening Thoughts

I, along with many others, watched (in my case overwatched) the inauguration of a new President on the 20th. (Yes, I was still watching at the 10th Presidential dance! If their feet didn't hurt, mine certainly did!)I was hopeful that a new beginning might signal a new start in areas where so much has been lacking. As a gay and fundamental Christian, I believe I have a Biblical obligation to pray for my leaders, even those I disagree with. As an American, I feel I have an obligation to hope and pray for the best from my leaders, and to "hold their feet to the fire" if they are not doing their best.

The cynicism that I posted about last, had even gotten into that area where I could no longer even look at any of the governments - federal, state and local - with any degree of objectivity or hope. In the amazing book "Language In Thought And Action," the author talks about when we have cast someone in the role of the "enemy" ALL communications/actions by them are immediately suspect and are filtered through the lens of how I view the "enemy" regardless of the truth.

So, I began to climb out of THAT hole and back to the level playing ground of attempting to see what was truth and what was not. And based on the last several years of watching government, not an easy task ~ not an easy task at all.

Over the last couple of days, two instances of people working on the premise that someone is the enemy and all communications are to be dismissed as lies and deceit have really hit me. Both are disturbing in many ways, but most disturbing to me as to their own lack of humanity and belief in people. Both would claim that is not true, but sadly both would be wrong.

The first came from a supposed christian (small c) self-appointed leader. Joseph Farah is the founder of a very conservative web-site WorldNet Daily. It has a number of contributors who echo the views of the founder. That's not a problem for me, as I will defend their right to say what they think, just as I will defend my right not to read it. I will also defend my right to comment on it, and give my view of it.

Back in August, I posted about christian hate and christian witchcraft. Christian witchcraft to me is asking the Almighty (however you regard that) to do something "to" another rather than "for" another. It's charging into the Throne Room ~ demands in hand and expecting that regardless of the Person on the Throne's attitude/statements/desire we will get what we want, when we want it and, "oh yes, make that yesterday" because I say so. In this case Joseph Farah does something a little more insidious than that. He cloaks his witchcraft in a seemingly nice Christian outfit, with a few well chosen verses thrown in for good effect. He is asking ~ Well, here's the article. . .

Joseph Farah Pray Obama fails
Posted: January 19, 2009
1:00 am Eastern

Many American Christians believe, as an article of faith, that we are to pray for the success of our leaders.

It has become a sort of conventional wisdom among soft-minded believers. The biblical proof-text for this misguided way of thinking is Romans 13:1-4:

"Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.

"Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.

"For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same:

"For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil."

What could be more clear-cut? At face value, it would seem the Bible is telling us government is a God-ordained good and that we are not to resist its terrors.

Many a coward has been bolstered in his conviction against challenging tyranny by not reading too deeply into the Scriptures. Yet, nowhere does the Bible ever suggest evil rulers are to be obeyed. When the rule of men conflicts with the commands of God, the Bible leaves no doubt about where we should stand.

That's why I do not hesitate today in calling on godly Americans to pray that Barack Hussein Obama fail in his efforts to change our country from one anchored on self-governance and constitutional republicanism to one based on the raw and unlimited power of the central state.

It would be folly to pray for his success in such an evil campaign.

I want Obama to fail because his agenda is 100 percent at odds with God's. Pretending it is not simply makes a mockery of God's straightforward Commandments.

So you will not see me joining in the ritual of affirming Obama and his mission in public or private prayer this week – or any other week.

Instead, I uphold the words of Jesus in Matthew 15:14: "Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch." And I take warning from Isaiah 9:16: "For the leaders of this people cause them to err; and they that are led of them are destroyed."

And please don't tell me about "rendering unto Caesar."

It's important to consider the circumstances and the audience behind Jesus' instructions to "render unto Caesar." The Sadducees were attempting to trap Jesus into advocating open contempt for Caesar. He recognized their wicked and hypocritical little game and answered them with a totally truthful response that astonished everyone.

But think about it. There are two components to Jesus' words. We are to "render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's," but we are also to "render unto God the things that are God's." Well, everything ultimately belongs to God. But, most of all, this injunction by Jesus instructs us that government laws cannot trump God's laws – ever.

If government commands you to do evil, as a Christian you must resist. There is no alternative. Citing the "render unto Caesar" line is an apologetic for accountability to God – nothing more, nothing less.

Furthermore, it needs to be pointed out that in America we don't have a Caesar. Never have, never will. You see, our system of government is called a free republic, and it is based on the concept of constitutional self-government. We have no "rulers" in America – except ourselves and our God. We believe in the rule of law, not the rule of men.

This is an important distinction, not a semantic one.

Nowhere in the Bible does it teach us to obey evil rulers. Nowhere.

This is a time for principled biblical resistance, not phony Christian appeasement.

If, indeed, Mr. Farah is the Christian he claims, and not the christian he seems to be representing here ~ there's a very strong disconnect from the reality of Scripture. I'm not going to head into a theological argument here, that will be for another time. But I will say time and again The Bible makes it perfectly clear that indeed we do have leaders and we have an obligation to pray for them.

He also conveniently ignores the number of instances where Biblical characters not only DID support what Mr. Farah would consider to be evil, but actually in some cases ruled WITH them.

Yes, there is a time for resistance - but this is not one of them.

And a final thought on this man ~ if, indeed, the President WERE to fail would he stand on his cyberspace rooftop and shout that God had answered his prayer? I rather doubt it. . .

Then, today ~ I ran across this gem from someone who should know better, or is so desperate for ratings or sell his material that he would grasp at straws to accomplish his ends. Rush Limbaugh (remember him from the prescription addiction/pharmacy shopping episode). had this to say about being asked for a 400 word article on what he hopes from an Obama administration:

So I’m thinking of replying to the guy, “Okay, I’ll send you a response, but I don’t need 400 words, I need four: I hope he fails.” (interruption) What are you laughing at? See, here’s the point. Everybody thinks it’s outrageous to say. Look, even my staff, “Oh, you can’t do that.” Why not? Why is it any different, what’s new, what is unfair about my saying I hope liberalism fails? Liberalism is our problem. Liberalism is what’s gotten us dangerously close to the precipice here. Why do I want more of it? I don’t care what the Drive-By story is. I would be honored if the Drive-By Media headlined me all day long: “Limbaugh: I Hope Obama Fails.” Somebody’s gotta say it.

Again, this from the man who indicated a number of years ago that dissent was equal to terrorism ~ I suspect echoing the press secretary right after 9/11 who warned that “Americans…need to watch what they say, watch what they do.” They were chilling words back then and became even more so during these last years.

I've discovered I'm not as young as I used to be ~ my body keeps reminding me of that daily and going out and about reminds me of that as well. One of the things it has done is allow me the luxury of looking at things with very different "eyes" and outlook. These people are sad in different and similar ways.

I'm not joining the "cast them into the fiery pit of hell" crowd because dissent is a natural and important part of the American political process. What I, and I hope others, will do is to point out the hypocrisy and errors of their dissent.

And, alas, to pray for them.

Post-Valentine's-Mortum ~ Early Evening Thoughts

Let me say up front, there were a couple of people that thought I was little (!?!) cynical about Valentine's Day. I will reply in honesty ... Yes, I probably was. However - let me explain.

(Assuming best Masterpiece Theater voice)
My week of working in the florist shop began on Tuesday ... the calm calm before the storm. It was a long day, but fairly uneventful. By the afternoon, the temperature had begun to rise in the clients calling in for orders. Still, no one appeared to have "lost it" at this point.

Wednesday the floodgates opened at 8:30am and the phone did not stop ringing until 5pm that night. There were 120 orders and walk-ins that went out the door that day ... some were called in, some were web orders from Telefloral and FTD. Still, the day went smoothly and people seemed pleased. By the end of the day - there appeared to be over 230 orders that were going to have to be delivered on Thursday.

Thursday (the actual day of Valentine) the phones started ringing at 7am ... they were not answered until 9am. From that point on it was non-stop. We actually had people calling in at 10am wanting to know why the arrangements they had ordered had not been delivered yet.

Finally all the drivers had loaded their vans and headed out to all points of delivery. At this point, we are keeping tabs on inventory AND zip codes. There were several people who had not listened when they were told there were no guaranteed delivery times for that day ... it would get there, we just couldn't say when.

The day was moving forward (cue sound track from Jaws here). At this point the calls were being balanced between people wanting to know when, people wanting deliveries to areas we didn't and people wanting the impossible. "I'm sorry sir, we don't sell carnations -- of any color and we would be unable to deliver them to Clutch, TX even if we did. (actual name of town).

There was only one complaint at that point - she didn't think her arrangement was "perfection" and wanted another. Fortunately, she was in the building so a new one was walked up to her - and the "imperfect" one brought back to the shop. As it was sitting on the counter ready to be put back in the cooler, someone walked in and bought it. The front of the store was beginning to resemble a bargain basement - people trying to wheel and deal.

Technically there is no smoking in the building, but as I was not going to be able to leave to go outside, I was given an ashtray and I took two smoke breaks the entire day. Lunch was at the desk ... the work must go on.

At this point I was dealing with people who forgot it was Valentine's Day -- or just waited until the last minute...not a good idea on this holiday ~ trust me on that one!! There is a certain 800/internet outfit that takes any order that comes in and then tries to farm them out to local florists at the last minute. I had to deal with about 10 phone calls from them and ended spending quite a bit of time explaining each time why we couldn't/wouldn't be able to help.

The wire brought in 3 orders for funerals in town and I ended up wiring out several funeral orders for out of town. And the phones kept ringing. The system that the shop uses allows us to look up florists in a specific zip code - I was using that a lot to tell people who to call that might be able to deliver. Also, we have a similar name to another florist close by ... several calls from people who were unhappy with the arrangement only to be told that they had called the wrong shop ...

Four O'clock came and thought we were surely through with all the last minute orders - when this gentleman(?) called in to demand that a dozen roses be delivered to an address forty-five miles away in rush hour traffic. He became highly incensed that had to tell him that we were not going to be able to do that. I was going to offer to deliver it for a $100 delivery charge, but thought better of it.

Why the chaos? It can be summed up, I think, by saying that of all the holidays Valentine's Day is the most personal. People do remember their friends (thank you DB, EM for your ecards!!) But by and large this is a time that seems to be for those who are in a relationship, want to be in a relationship or need to be in a relationship. And, they get crazy and somewhat stupid illogical. For example ... I got a call (on Thursday) from a gentleman who wanted to recognize that he had been with this person for two Valentine's Days. He was insistent that there be only two roses in a vase ... no greenery, etc. AND that it be delivered. This delivery was going only a few blocks from where we were ~ and not much further than from where he was. No, it had to be delivered and as soon as possible. This arrangement probably would have cost him at the most $12 using premium rose buds. We have a $35 minimum delivery AND a $15 holiday delivery fee. He spent $50 to have it delivered.

Ah yes, the wonders of the holiday...I'm glad I only do this once a year to help out. There was talk about having me work Christmas week, but I think I'm going to be very "busy" that week. I think I'll be able to appreciate the season more!!!

He loved her very much.

He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer.

He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder."

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
---Stan Kegel

A Short Thought ~ Late Evening Thoughts

Yesterday I found this image of the world according to Ptolemy (born around 85 A.D. and died around 185 A. D.) As I was looking at this image, I got to wondering what kind of a map of my life could be made. Where would things go? Would there be more mountains than valleys? What about rivers, oceans and such. I began to sketch around some ideas...then decided that I would just stick with enjoying this beautiful rendition of what the man knew.
(For a larger view --->click here<---)

And as I often do, I've turned to others to describe their feelings ..

Blessed Earth

Consecrated waters flow
From this blessed earth I know.
We owe so much to this earth,
And its life supply of hearth
Here everything thing can grow.

Consecrated waters flow,
From this blessed earth I know.
I was born here,
And I shall die here.
Precious times, this earth did sow.

Consecrated waters flow,
From this blessed earth I know.
It has seen all my days,
And every one of my childish ways.
Oh beautiful earth I hoe!
---Ashley Donovan

Waves at Hawkwood
(from the book "In Touch with Water")

This grass is like the sea;
I ride over it with big strides
uphill away from the spray of civilisation.
Deep breaths of green
rinse over my head and chest.

At the forest edge the water level rises;
trunks are awash with ivy.
The green sound of crows
flaps up from the valley
like wet raincoats.

Stalks bob buoyant heads
in the wind, and I take
the seed of their image
back with me towards the buildings
where roses cling to liferaft walls.

I walk in the translucent water
of silence.
The wooded hill behind the house
is a tall green wave
towering over the place.
---written by Julia (Jay)
(note that the three lines in italics can also be a haiku)

And last ~

Shall earth no more inspire thee

Shall earth no more inspire thee,
Thou lonely dreamer now?
Since passion may not fire thee,
Shall nature cease to bow?

Thy mind is ever moving,
In regions dark to thee;
Recall its useless roving,
Come back, and dwell with me.

I know my mountain breezes
Enchant and soothe thee still,
I know my sunshine pleases,
Despite thy wayward will.

When day with evening blending,
Sinks from the summer sky,
I've seen thy spirit bending
In fond idolatry.

I've watched thee every hour;
I know my mighty sway:
I know my magic power
To drive thy griefs away.

Few hearts to mortals given,
On earth so wildly pine;
Yet few would ask a heaven
More like this earth than thine.

Then let my winds caress thee
Thy comrade let me be:
Since nought beside can bless thee,
Return--and dwell with me.
--Emily Bronte

The New Year Begins With A Look Back (part 5) ~ Late Evening Thoughts

Life is a journey not for us to be lowered into the grave all pretty and looking rested. It is a journey for us to slide into the grave broadside at the last minute ~ banged up, used up but still proclaiming ~
Wow!!! What a ride...WOW!!! What a RIDE!!!

(You can read the previous posts here ... >1<>2<>3<>4<)

At this point in the story, I was finally in a hospital bed. There were bandages for the gash in my forehead ~ for which, since I was hanging by my neck in a looped belt, there is no explanation. There were bandages running up the operation incision (running from just below the ear almost to the collar bone) in my neck ~ which was closed with butterfly bandages to reduce the scarring. There were no bandages on the slits I made in my neck ~ those, I was told, would heal by themselves with no visible scarring. So far ... I was able to absorb that much information. I was also introduced to "the watcher." Basically, there was going to be someone sitting at the foot of my bed 24/7. While people think that it's only to keep someone from trying again, it actually provides much more than that.

There was constant monitoring (and recording) of what I was doing, my mood and my activities. They were also expected, during the day, to engage me in conversation.

They were supposed to, but I really didn't want much of that. I discovered that the day watchers loved "trash TV." If you are not familiar with that term, it covers all the reality (supposedly) type shows from Jerry Springer to Divorce Court and everything in between. So I would turn the TV (which I didn't want to watch anyway.) toward the foot of my bed and they could watch to their heart's delight.

The statistics are a little frightening. Someone of my..um...age who is depressed, is very likely to make a suicide attempt (there had been three half-hearted previous ~ I'd posted about one of them in Poison to Medicine) and what I did before was not more than an overture for this event. The most frightening statistic is that those of my age who make an attempt are probably going to make another one ~ and succeed without life skills retraining and/or serious intervention and/or continued therapy, help/support system. And so, the real journey had started.

--- more tomorrow

The New Year Begins With A Look Back (part 3) ~ Late Evening Thoughts

Life is a journey not for us to be lowered into the grave all pretty and looking rested. It is a journey for us to slide into the grave broadside ~ banged up, used up but still proclaiming ~
Wow!!! What a ride...WOW!!! What a RIDE!!!

When I left off the last post, I mentioned that EMT, Police and Fire had arrived at the complex and all of them in my apartment. I had sat down in the chair by the computer and awaited the arrival. I had not realized that as many people would show up. I also had not realized I was going to be asked so many questions ~ some of which did not make sense. Please understand, at that time I was without any money, no resources, no insurance and no place to stay. I really didn't think there was anyone that would help me. I became at that moment completely homeless and penniless. A very interesting situation to find myself.

Finally they decided I would not be able to walk and they brought a gurney in to take me to the ambulance. This meant that I would be taken through the courtyard of the apartment complex, which was full of residents trying to find out what was going on. It was not an exit I was looking forward to but I really didn't have much choice in the matter. This involved taking me through the living room door into the office and down six steps. I was barely aware of who was there ... except for three people, one of whom I gestured to come up and I held her hand for a long time. I had no idea what was going to happen to me, and for the first time in a very long time I was very, very frightened.

There was a discussion in the ambulance about where I wanted to be taken. They suggested this very nice and very expensive hospital ~ not really an option. I wanted to be taken to the level 1 trauma center here, which also treats people without question of money and/or insurance. I finally convinced them to take me there. I realize now that I must have had a concussion of some type from the fall that created the very large gash to the bone in my forehead. The ambulance people were very concerned that I stay awake and kept asking me "stuff." I had to describe at least three times what I had done, how I did it and with what ~ all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

I have no memory of the arrival at the hospital ER room. This particular ER I had written about before last December and didn't realize how accurate it would be.

The trauma team
all wear
black shirts.
Around them
an occasional
flash of
white whirling
about.

I don't think
I would
want to wake
up surrounded
by black shirts.
There are times
my life is
black enough
as it is.

It is true, most of the team wear black t-shirts saying trauma on the back. There are memories of the black shirts all around getting me undressed ~ and damn it was cold in there. There was poking, prodding, turning me this way and that, many questions I don't remember. Finally two white coats were suddenly there. All I could remember was a very, very old song ~ "They're coming to take me away ... hee hee. They're coming to take me away ... ho ho. The little men in the little white coats are coming to take me away."

All I wanted to do was sleep ... but there were a number of forms to sign ~ I had left my glasses back in the apartment, and couldn't read any of them. There were some discussions that occurred. Finally, there were nothing but white coats around me, and all of them were concerned with the gash in my forehead and evidently the concussion. I kept trying to tell them about my neck ... and they kept poking the forehead and shining a flashlight in my eyes.

One of them finally ~ begrudgingly ~ looked at the slits in my neck. I learned a new hospital term. Ordinarily when there is a problem that is serious, the term is "Do something STAT!" I've seen it in television shows, read it in books and heard it used even in that very ER. THIS time when one of his fingers literally went into one of the slits on my neck ~ quite deeply. I got the hear the new term: "Oh Shit!" I thought it a rather interesting replacement, but who was I to argue??

---more tomorrow

The New Year Begins With A Look Back (part 2) ~ Late Evening Thoughts

As I mentioned in the last post ~ this story I'm telling has undergone some deep thinking an reflection, soul searching and hesitation.

In the last post I said, it was around the 28th of August that I quit my job and supposedly had to move out of my apartment within 72 hours. I had no plans, no place I knew of to go, but somehow, in the sickness of my mind I was convinced that it would all work out. Of course, it wasn't going to and certainly didn't. During the 2 1/2 months that I was managing I was also managing to cut myself off from everyone. I still talked to my Mother twice a day, as I had for almost two years, but even she was beginning to suspect things were not right.

And what did I do for the 72 hours that I needed to make plans and provisions? I drank. When you know that your replacement is going to be coming into the office ~ connected to the apartment ~ at 9:00am, any sane person would sneak out of the apartment around 7:00am and drink until it was safe to go back ... right? Trust me on this one, there are very few bars worth visiting at 7:00 in the morning.

I would sleep a little, toss and turn, pace the floor and then sleep a little more. Rinse and repeat.

By now, I was not only at the bottom of the cliff, I was under the rocks at the bottom and trying to dig down even further. I kept trying to find ways to sleep the entire night, but nothing worked ~ even overdosing on the over-the-counter medicines that use Benadryl as the only ingredient. By now, I had stopped calling anyone I knew, was refusing to answer my cell phone and decided that I was going to have to disappear to get out of the hell I was living.

--strong stuff follows ...you have been warned...

Sometime during the night of the 31st (I believe I have the dates right), I came to a terrible conclusion. The only way out that I could see was to end everything ... permanently, finally and absolutely. No partial or half measures. This was going to be it. The final curtain. From this point on, there are flashes of what happened and what happened to me. I do not have all the pieces and may never get them back ... and probably don't want to.

I knew that I needed to get it done early in the morning, before anyone arrived in the office. Now understand that one office door was four steps from my bedroom and the other door was 7 steps to the living room. Not exactly the world's biggest space and certainly too close to the apartment to hide anything. But I managed to -- I managed to.

When I made that decision. it was as if a light switch had been turned off, there was no going back and no pain (that's important later). And so I committed suicide. No, I did not make a mistake on the verbs. I should not be alive, however, I am so grateful that it didn't succeed and that I have gone through all that I have been through. I am a very different person from what I was a number of months ago - but, you know what ~ I'm also still the same.

I took my belt and made a loop around the clothes rack in the closet because that was the strongest place and I knew it would hold my weight. A few quick breaths and I put my neck in the loop ~ forcefully. The quickness that blackness overcame me was surprising. I was done. Unfortunately to my sick mind, but fortunately for me ~ I woke up on the floor with a large gash in my forehead down to the bone - that wasn't bleeding and didn't hurt. OK, this obviously wasn't going to work ... there must be some other way.

Now, in all honesty, someone in their mind would have simply stopped after the belt failure (makes it sound like a vacuum cleaner!)and said: "Wow! That didn't work! I should stop here." But. as I said, the light switch had been turned off. I remembered the eXacto knife I had recently purchased. I also realized that my replacement was due to arrive, and hopefully would stay out of my apartment until I was done. I literally behaved like a secret agent on assignment and slithered into the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain closed. I was determined not to leave a mess for someone to clean-up.

Now, doesn't that sound healthy? Not wanting to leave a mess? I'm about to do the most selfish act a human being can do, leave people devastated and angry ... destroy any chance to accomplish anything with my life and I'm worried about a MESS?!?!?

I'd read enough books and seen enough TV shows to know what I needed to do. Don't worry, I'm not going to go into detail ... if you want that, you can email and ask. Let's just say, I ended up with three horizontal cuts in the side of my neck and very little blood. The most interesting moment was when my replacement's boyfriend came in and used the toilet while I was ensconced in the bathtub. It was at that point I finally realized this was NOT working ... and had run completely out of options. I very calmly made my way out of the bathtub ~ with my knees it was not an easy thing to do ~ and walked through the living room into the office and announced: "I've just tried to kill myself, please call 911." I then went and sat calmly in the living room and awaited whoever was going to arrive.

I have no idea what she said to the 911 dispatcher, but shortly there were police, a fire truck and EMTs in the place. I was bandaged, tried to answer the many questions that were being asked by various uniformed folks. The one that sticks (sort of) in my mind was: "Do you have any sharp objects on your person that will hurt me if I touch you?"

--part three tomorrow night

The New Year Begins With A Look Back ~ Late Evening Thoughts

This posting has gone through a number of trials and travails. I wasn't even sure I would even write about it ~ however ~ I also wanted to end the new year with truth and begin the New Year with even more hope, joy and gratitude than I have now.

When I started this blog over a year ago, little did I know the road it would take and the road my life would take. For those of you who do not know, I have suffered for years from depression. What I never knew was the depth and severity of it. I never realized how insidious and deadly it could be. Even as I have read over old postings about the disease I have, I realize just how much I didn't know about it, how little I really understood what was happening to me and just how seriously it would effect me.

I also realized as I re-read the postings, just how important my attitude and sense of humor would be to me me. And it certainly has.

In my case, not only was I in denial about what was going on, I was convincing those around me that everything was "just fine, thank you very much." But I was NOT fine and my world had begun to crumble to leave me with absolutely nothing but the clothes on my back. There was no money, no place to stay and nothing to look forward to.

I've told about when my apartment mate came in and basically said: "I've not paid the rent, I've found a place and am moving tomorrow ... have a good day." I finally found a place to land while I tried to figure out what I was going to do. I moved from there into an apartment where I was completely on my own. I had no support system and basically nothing to look forward to or to plan on doing. That, and a couple of very poor choices I made about friends and a possible lover added to the already bubbling cauldron going on in my life.

When I was offered the job of managing the by-the-week apartments I was spiraling in many different and deadly ways. Of course, the fact that I later found out they were ultimate slumlords that didn't care who was in the apartments as long as they paid the rent and would not release money for real maintenance only made me cling to what was going on with an even tighter grip. Of course, I continued writing the Complex Tales for the blog -- all of which were true -- but tried to hide the hole I was slipping into ~ the cliff I was falling down from everyone I knew ~ including myself (which by the way, is very very very dumb!)

Serious "stuff" follows ... you have been warned...

Also at this point I had been "bending the elbow" with my boss quite regularly. Of course, I certainly didn't have a problem with alcohol ... of course not. Just the fact that once I started with just one ... there were always a number more. And since the boss was paying for it AND paid for the cab to take me home ~ this is a problem ~ how? Also during this time I was sleeping about one hour per night (if that) but convincing myself and anyone who asked that I was just fine and sleeping a lot. I was now getting thrown the last 30 feet down the cliff - and was bouncing at the bottom...and no Dudley Doright to cushion the blow. Could it get worse? You bet.

This part gets a little hazy ~ perhaps all the details will come back someday, but I'm really not looking forward to it if they do. I was being complimented and "honored" for having the best collections of rent in the system. For several weeks my tenants owed nothing and a good number even had credit balances. This, of course, led to even more drinks after work with the boss and the eventual discovery that he was a cocaine-head. He actually was stupid enough to do it one afternoon at the very bar we had been drinking at ON the bar. Yes, he created his lines and did them. (the plural is very deliberate! And no, I did not do drugs at least nothing was illegal or required a prescription!

I also had basically stopped eating much and what I did eat usually came back up at some point (my mind should have been going "Ding! Ding! Danger!") ~ I look back and realize that what was going on had actually been growing for some time, and that I "might" have known, but was in no shape to realize.

I think that on the 28th of August, I literally snapped and quit my job. Called my friend who managed one of the other properties and gave him my keys. I faxed my resignation into the main office. Now, if you think it was one of those big corporate offices (which they wanted everyone to think) it was only the Patriarch of the Family and three ladies who worked there. As I was living on the property, I had signed a contract that I was to be out of the apartment I was occupying (and in 2 1/2 months still hadn't unpacked) within 72 hours. I had no plans, provisions or even a safety net that I could see or think of.

To be honest with everyone and true to myself ... this is going to take more than one posting. Now that I have complete access to a computer I can truthfully say:

--more tomorrow night!

More Of The Story ~ Late Afternoon Post

Friday, the 23rd my Mother slipped away at around 7:30 in the evening. She went as she wanted, at home looking out the window at Flathead Lake. She had been out of it most of Thursday ~ while I was making travel arrangements for myself and my "tribe" to get there. Alas, that was not to be. She passed away while most of us were in Salt Lake City awaiting the next leg of the trip. While I was saddened, it was NOT a time of mourning. She was 94 years young, and had been desiring to go home for some time.

She was walking the dog on (I believe) the 9th of November and because she had been told not to ~ she took some concrete steps to the house. As near as we can tell she lost her balance and fell down at least 8 of them, landing on her head on the concrete pad. Fortunately, she had an alert bracelet that she managed to press - in spite of a broken arm and a broken shoulder below the rotor cuff.

R & L were on their way down when the alert people called them and also told them they had dispatched an ambulance. Everyone arrived within about 10 minutes of the fall. R had called me and I actually got to talk to Mom on the stretcher. Of course, her reactions were very typical of my Mom. She was telling R to stop crying, and all she would say to me on the cell phone was "I can't talk right now!" All I told her was that I wanted to say I loved her.

While in the ER, she was ready to go home, they were not sure what they were going to do but she was one determined lady. They wrote a prescription for pain pills and she started to get up to leave. She decided that because she was dizzy and everything now had started to hurt, she would stay overnight. That was sadly, her last independent moment. While she was in the hospital that night, she had what they classified as a moderate stroke. So now, she was dealing with the pain and having a terrible time talking. Not a very good combination for those who were taking care of her, trust me on that one!

With a lot of negotiation (OK, some fits were thrown as well) they moved her on the 13th to an intensive rehabilitation center. Mom knew that this was the ONLY way she was going to be allowed to go home. However...again however, she was NOT prepared for 1) the work she was going to have to do or 2) the people that would be there. I had called Mom twice a day for over two years, and I even had to get into the act of getting her to 1) "play" nice and 2) cooperate with everyone. I can and always will understand her frustration, but I eventually began to realize where this was going ~ even if I didn't want to admit it!! (Who wants to admit anything like that?)

Things seemed to be going well at the rehab center, when Mom had another mini-stroke. At that point rehab felt they had done all they could there and that Mom needed to be home with therapy coming to see her. Hospice took over on the 19th. At this point there was no longer any fantasy about her recovery. The hospital bed was in the living room so that she would be able to see her beloved Flathead Lake and perchance see the lights across the lake going up the mountain. On Wednesday the 21st, they awoke her to do one of the every two hour moves every early. They sat her up and cleaned her face with a washcloth and then R said: "look Barb, the lights across the lake!!" She had an enormous grin on her face and laid back down. I did get to talk "at" her that day. . . the last living conversation I was to have with her. She was awake occasionally that day, the mind was there ~ but all ability to talk was gone. On the 23rd she was awake only once. Her breathing was somewhat labored, and twice stopped. The at 7:30pm the 23rd of November, my Mother slipped out of her earthly shell and found herself at her new "home" where she had wanted to be for a long long time.

~ more later in the week

At Long Last ~ Grateful Thoughts

Starting next week ... I guess this week actually... I will have access to a computer with internet. It's part of a new venture I am beginning. I know that many of you have had questions about what's been going on, and I intend to answer as many of the questions as possible. For those who've commented and sent emails I thank you!

It's been an interesting journey over the last couple of months. And I also am grateful to everyone for their patience as I literally have put my life back together!!!

Look back in the next couple of days!!!!!

Something Borrowed ~ Very Early Evening Thoughts

Forgive my silence over the last couple of days, but things have gotten a little out of hand over the last 72 hours. While not completely in a bad sense ... just in an exhausting sense. Of course, there will be some stories to tell about what happened, but for tonight ... I'm going to borrow from an article that really meant something to me the other day:

The Facebooking of America by Suzanne Fields:

Every generation is sure that its social and cultural trends are here to stay. When history moved slowly before the dawn of the electronic media, it might have seemed so. But with instant communication through cell phones, fax machines, e-mail and Internet meeting places, such as Facebook and YouTube, cultural trends accelerate dramatically. The future as imagined by Generations X, Y or Z is easily blown away by the high velocity winds of change.

You can read the entire article --->here<--- ~ I would have reprinted the article, but I couldn't get permission. I think you will enjoy it as much as I did being of ...ahem.... a certain age.


---more complex tales and thoughts tomorrow

Article trackback link: http://rss.townhall.com/trackback/www/f38cf657-27f9-4df0-9263-e5b4d12fb3ae/

Pop, Lock and Drop ~ Early Evening Thoughts

I will be the first to admit it ~ well, actually I don't admit it to very many people. I am no good with locks. I had admitted in a previous post that the very first lock I drilled (to force it open) I made such a mess of it we had to kick the door in to get it open. It would be wonderful to say that things have improved since then, but a couple of recent events have convinced me that is not the case.

Recently, there was a problem with someone who was doing certain maintenance who had a habit of walking off with the keys to various storage rooms at the various properties. Normally, this would not be a problem as they usually are quite quickly returned ~ especially after an irate phone call from a manager to the maintenance person. Unfortunately, in this case, the maintenance person appeared to be walking off with more than just the keys. Now, I'm faced with a padlock that can't be cut off with bolt cutters and a boiler in the storage room that needs some attention. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't and never have enjoyed cold showers. I've discovered that my tenants don't care to take them either.

That shouldn't be a problem. I have a drill, the necessary drill bits and my wonderful expertise in drilling a lock. What I was never told ~ padlocks drill differently than ordinary locks. VERY differently. In an ordinary door lock/dead bolt there is a "sweet spot" on the lock that can be drilled and the lock will magically open...for everyone except myself. If someone has a diagram of that spot, I would appreciate a copy of it. I'm convinced that each lock has it's own spot and only maintenance people know where that spot is.

The spot on a padlock is different ~ dead center evidently. I started up the drill ~ thought better of it, and called our handy maintenance man who was working at a different property. I've got drill in hand, lock in sight and cell phone to the ear. "Be careful," I hear him say, "not to drill too far in or you'll never get it open." I found that very hard to believe. I got ready to drill. The involved putting down the phone as I had to hold the padlock in my hand while drilling. The mental image forming is probably very accurate.

I start in and have this sudden vision of having to be taken to the hospital with a drill bit through my hand, arm or other appendage. Maintenance had told me not to drill too far ~ I was really convinced that I really didn't want to drill at all. I will admit it, having to hold the padlock while I drilled made me feel similar to a magician's assistant on a board while he hurled knives at me .

Bracing myself ~ for what I wasn't sure ~ I again took the lock in one hand, and drill in the other. At the moment I started to drill, the phone rang. Using any excuse to put down the lock and drill, I answered it. The maintenance man was about five minutes away and wanted to know how I was doing. I tried to be quite nonchalant about it all ~ but he knows me. "Would you like me to come and drill it for you", was a statement I was not about to turn down. He arrived and actually talked me through the process. Yes, I held the lock and I drilled the lock and the lock did open. OK, I have to admit something: I found out (about half way through the lock) that there is a way to not have to hold the lock while drilling.

The boiler problem was quickly solved ~ and hot water was forthcoming. Maintenance went on his way (minus the key) and a new shiny lock laughed at me from the storeroom door.

---more lock tales to follow

An Intermezzo ~ Early Evening Thoughts

I will continue the saga of the missing manager probably tomorrow, but I can let you know this much ~ the manager was physically fine, the complex was not. Things has begun to slide, slip and not get done. Some were major ~ as in no hot water for several days; some were interesting ~ as we were getting ready to evict someone for non-payment of rent, when the new tenant of the apartment walked in to pay his rent. Of course, there was no record of this new personage let alone a record of what happened to the former personage.

We were able to get a new manager, and things are headed back on-track and as they should be.

Today was an official day off for me...and I took it! I disappeared from the complex for several hours and had a delightful time. Some friends took me to the large home improvement box store ~ even after they read what happened the last time I was there. I did the aisles and found many things I would actually like to own. But, alas, no scenes from a major motion picture were filmed today. But, I did get some people watching in, as I enjoy doing.

Then, we went to the cell-phone store so I could do what we all with cell-phones have to do to keep it turned on ~ make a payment. The store opened at 1:00pm and we arrived shortly after that thinking that we would be able to waltz right in and get our business accomplished.

We waltzed through the door, and straight into a long line. It would appear that everyone else had the same idea we had. It's just that more people had it earlier. Directly in front of us was a Joe Pesci "wanna-be" ~ complete with the hair-do and voice, but the wrong hair color, nationality and size. Other than that, it would have been easy to mistake him.

He seemed to know a number of the people that were also standing in line, and we were treated to an almost unending stream of greetings, information about those people we would rather have not known ... and at one point he was loaning someone some money for their cell phone bill. That prompted about six of us to also hold out our hands to be part of the gravy train! Alas, no such luck.

While I don't mind lines, my knees do. I moved to a chair located toward the front of the line and sat while my friend held my place in the line. This gave me a very good opportunity to watch the person at the head of the line ~ I'll refer to him as Mr. Bling-Bling. He was upset that 1) he had to pay on his bill and 2) that he had to stand in line as the rest of us were. I call him Mr. Bling-Bling because of all the jewelry he was covered with. There were two LARGE either diamond or very good fake earrings embedded in his ears, the teeth were glittering with jewels (I really didn't think people were doing that anymore), there were chains with jewel encrusted objects from diamond (or very good fakes) studded dog tag, cross and other objects. He also was sporting a couple of quite large flashy rings.

What fascinated me the most was his attempt to get some kind of a discount because he had to stand in line. This was an on-going conversation with the person behind the counter. And I do mean, on-going. He tried every method he could think of for a discount: good customer, mis-handled customer, standing in line customer, long-term customer, always paid his bill on time customer ~ the list was quite long and quite impressive. The person behind the counter was not in the least impressed.

Finally, Mr. Bling-Bling took his case to a higher authority and called Customer Service. They were equally as unimpressed as the person behind the counter had been. At last, he was forced to realize that 1) he needed to pay the bill and 2) there was going to be no discount whatsoever...good customer or not. I thought at the time, the rest of us deserved a discount for his having tied up the line for as long as he did, but decided that the person behind the counter's sense of humor probably wouldn't extend quite that far to appreciate the joke. I restrained myself admirably.

The rest of the afternoon was spent at a very large, very impressive aquarium shop in what had been formerly a Japanese restaurant. Very lovely, very well laid out and many incredible fish. I did find exactly the fish tank I have been looking for, and for ONLY $23,000 completely set up and running. If anyone wishes to donate, I will be glad to provide a receipt.

---more tomorrow

Complex Complex Tales ~ Late Morning Thoughts

This has been a very difficult week. One of the managers from a sister property "disappeared" on Saturday afternoon and no one had officially seen or heard from her since. I say officially, because there was some information that indicated she was at least alright and had not been in the hospital or such.

Monday morning I and another manager had to take over the office. This involved drilling out the locks as she had taken the keys to everything with her. As you have learned from previous posts drilling and changing locks is not exactly my specialty. I discovered that it was even less of a specialty for the other manager. When we were finished the front of the office looked like a tool shop with metal shavings everywhere.

When going into a situation such as this, the first concern is ~ of course ~ the money. We are a business that does not accept cash or checks ~ only money orders. This eliminates some very serious potential headaches. However, there are places that will cash money orders without even looking to see who they are made out to or what kind of endorsement they carry. This, at first glance, did not appear to be an issue. There are also several programs in place that prevent something such as that happening. It doesn't completely stop it, but it makes finding out if that happens almost immediate.

Now, of course, we have two managers that are not at their properties ~ trying to make sense of someone else's.

--more to come

The Evening In Question ~ Early Evening Thoughts

Even after the day today ~ I will put a few words down about my "evening out." In the previous post I made mention of the fact that I had to be told that the invitation was actually a date. At my age? You've got to be kidding...but it was not just getting together, it actually was a date.

This required some thought and planning. What does one wear on a date...not having been on one for quite sometime. What is planned for the evening, or not planned?

Finally, common sense took hold and I decided that I would continue to be myself and allow the evening to unfold as it wanted to unfold.

We met and started talking ~ and we shared, laughed, talked until finally we realized what time it was. We had been sharing and talking for almost five hours! It certainly didn't seem like that at all. Fortunately, I didn't have to get up in the morning to work. We parted ways ~ however ~ only for a bit. We are getting together for another date next week ~ and I will certainly have more to share on that one.

However ~ it's wonderful to find someone who is willing to share themselves and be open about life and living. It's delightful to find someone who has been at some of the crossroads I've been at and who knows what deep decision making is all about.

What the evening gave me was a deep appreciation of this person, a better understanding of them ~ and belief that no matter what, we will have a friendship that survives.

And yes ~ the evening ended with a very warm embrace...very warm.

Lightning May Strike ~ Early Evening Thoughts

I have been invited out for the evening. As one of my friends put it when the invitation was made: "Uh, WD ~ that's a date." So, I am attempting to get ready for a ... um, uh ... date. Do they really call it that at my age? I will provide details later ~ possibly MUCH later. (So Bodhi, you might have to wait!!)

Was it out of the blue? Yes. Was it a delightful surprise? Yes. Am I prepared? No. Will I have a good time? Who knows ~ but knowing me, there will be some stories to go with it.

In the mean time, I am prepared for a delightful evening ~ with someone I know, and have known as an acquaintance for some time now.

What will we do? It's not my evening to plan. Will I let you know all the details? That depends.

---more tomorrow

Complex Tales Or Flip The Switch Henry! ~ Early Evening Thoughts

The finals of the "it was a dark and stormy night" for this year have been announced and will be posted tomorrow night probably... (thanks EB for the heads-up)...Today was my own "dark and stormy", or so I thought. Along with the usual phones, people, a boss wanting to micro-manage, demands on time and energy - I had my personal SWAT team here today (again with the vice-grip handshake!).

They really worked very hard to get a lot of things accomplished. There was much noise of maintenance happening ~ a lovely sound I haven't been able to hear for awhile! I also went with them (at their invitation since I was the one with petty cash!) to purchase some of the needed materials.

While on the way back from the trip/expedition I got a phone call from a restricted number. When I answered it, a woman simply started the conversation with: "This IS the ________ apartments, right?" I answered in the affirmative. "And you DO have an apartment XXX, right?" Again, I answered in the affirmative. "And you ARE at __________________, right?" Once more (with little feeling) I answered in the affirmative. "We'll be out," was her response as she hung up.

I have to admit there was a sinking feeling of my heart heading for my shoes, and my stomach heading out my back. In all honesty, I inherited a complex (as I've indicated) that has suffered from severe managerial neglect (for lack of a better or more politically correct term) ~ and by taking on this inheritance, I also have inherited the possibility of some consequences from the city. I now made the assumption that the call was from one of the city departments (correct assumption) about to do an inspection (wrong assumption).

By the time we arrived back at the complex, I had developed a somewhat plausible plan of action. However, when I sat down at my desk, the phone rang again. This time it was a person who nicely identified themselves as someone from CPS (child protective services) who wanted to know if I had received a call from a parole officer about one of my apartments. Now, I know the person who lives in the apartment in question ~ which is directly above mine. The thought that they might be on parole was indeed laughable. Then ~ as Paul Harvey would say: "The rest of the story..."

It seems this "lady" with six (yes, six!!!) children had given her parole officer my complex and one of my apartment numbers as her address. This "lady" was on the "run" and they were trying to find her. At the end of what I would call a good bridge building conversation, the person made the statement: "Aren't you glad we called rather than just showing up with police and all?" To which I had to agree. What I didn't tell them was the image that ran through my mind at that moment, was a montage from several silent movies ... that was best left unsaid.

The day carried on from there ~ and made me think my mind was beginning to turn to mush by about 4pm. And it was around that time I heard someone else's mind beginning to turn to mush ~ or close to it. My vice-grip handshake friend was having real difficulty with something that should have been simple...even for me. (No snickering or sniggering behind your hands, please!!) The light fixture in the laundry room needed to be changed out. A new, improved one had just been purchased and was being installed.

I was watching the miracle of electricity being installed when I was interrupted by a tenant who took literally five minutes to tell me someone needed to clean up in parking slot 5. (Clean up in aisle four!) I kid you not -- FIVE minutes. I had to interrupt watching to go on poop detail in front of the complex. All I will say, that was one healthy dog!

I thought when I got back, I would see the wonder of light in the laundry room ~ which had been absent for awhile. Unfortunately, there was no power to the light or the light switch. Everything else in the room was working as it should. My vice-grip handshake friend was reduced to vague mutters about ~ well, I'm not sure what they were about, but I have a feeling various people's (possibly mine) ancestries were being called into question.

The two of us went through various scenarios, ideas and thoughts. We both prodded, poked and twisted various things to see if they would work. At one point, vice-grip handshake went and purchased a new circle fluorescent bulb to see if that was the problem.

Finally, about the third time we were tearing apart the light switch, it hit me. The breakers. Off to the electrical box ~ some choice words on my part now and definitely an ancestry called into question. I had posted about the maintenance man who is no longer here due to getting in between two people who were arguing - and both people turned on him. He had the key to the locks on those boxes.

Fortunately, vice-grip handshake and those accompanying him have great experience in drilling locks - and in moments we were into the box and checking the breakers. There it was, the one switch on the top. A slight flick of the switch, and there was now power in the laundry room, joy in my heart and vice-grip handshake realized that I might be mature - but I'm NOT dead!!

All in all, a satisfying day.

As I was posting this tonight, I was reminded of a Lewis Carroll poem I once earned three dollars from my parents for memorizing at a very young age...

I'll leave you with that poem tonight:

You Are Old, Father William

"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head--
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And you have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door--
Pray what is the reason for that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment - one shilling a box--
Allow me to sell you a couple?"

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak--
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose--
What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs.

---more tomorrow
should be able to post pictures this weekend!!!

The Moment Of Non-Truth ~ Early Evening Thoughts

Once again, I was awake much earlier than I wanted to be. It fascinates me how in the early morning hours things that should not be a problem become magnified many times more than they are worth.

This is not to say that problems don't need solving, but in the moments between night and dawn ~ what should not be that big a problem looms larger and more oppressive then a couple of hours later when the sun illuminates the day ~ what seemed so large is revealed at its correct size. A size that is something that can be handled, dealt with or simply dismissed as not important.

I found this morning that my breathing changed (not for the better) and my mind became completely over-active with concerns that hadn't even made themselves evident in reality.

Being honest, it was nothing more than unsubstantiated fear. The kind of fear that creeps in on soft feet, and tries to take over the mind...which then translates into reactions of the body...the heart, breathing and even the skin temperature.

I would like to say that it's easy to say: "Begone!" But we know such is not the case. Sometimes, I literally have to get up and deal with each phantom individually~ individually, and firmly.

Perhaps you don't have these night-time holograms ~ if so, be very thankful. To those, such as myself, who do ~ I offer these quotes:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
--Frank Herbert, Dune - (Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear)

Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is.
-- German Proverb

Fear is a tyrant and a despot, more terrible than the rack, more potent than the snake.
--Edgar Wallace - The Clue of the Twisted Candle (1916)

Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.
--Japanese Proverb

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
--Unknown

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
--Eleanor Roosevelt

To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.
--Katherine Paterson

No matter how hard you work for success if your thought is saturated with the fear of failure, it will kill your efforts, neutralize your endeavors and make success impossible.
--Bandjuin

Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world.
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear...
--Unknown

Don’t be afraid of fear
Because fear is afraid of itself
You give into fear when you doubt yourself
Fear makes you a complete opposite of yourself
Draining every bit of confidence your body has left
Fear tricks you of your potential
Wiping away your credentials
A life ruled by fear is life without hope
Of course people are going to have raining days
But with fear, everyday you will have your droughts

Be confident and put your head up high
How can fear overtake you when you’re looking at the
Beautiful clouds high in the sky
--Rico Graham

Some Thoughts On Thoughts ~ Early Evening Thoughts

It was still dark when I awoke. There was nothing but the normal sounds of the area around where I live. What woke me? I realized that my mind hadn't really calmed down from yesterday and was still "working over" things of the day...and was trying to borrow trouble from the day that was about to start.

Of course, things at that time of night/day for me become even more magnified...When I finally did get up ~ I was still tired. And my mind was still "yapping" about what had to get done, what hadn't gotten done and what wasn't GOING to get done. I couldn't even begin to enjoy the light of day with all I had accepted (key word: accepted) as being on my plate. In all honesty, I was discouraged.

This post is not a "poor me" post ~ but is part of the continuing journey that I share here. It colored my entire morning and much of the afternoon. It was difficult not to become irritated at things that were completely out of my control, and to lose control over what WAS in my control.

Often in situations such as this, I like to turn sometimes to what others have to say on a subject ... hopefully, you will find these helpful ~ as I did.

Take These Thoughts With You
On Your Journey To Your Dreams

Don't ever forget that you are unique. Be your best self and not an imitation of someone else.

Find your strength and use them in a positive way. Don't listen to those who ridicule the choices you make.

Travel the road that you have chosen and don't look back with regret. You have to take chances to make your dreams happen.

Remember that there is plenty of time to travel another road - and still another - in your journey through life.

Take the time to find the route that is right for you. You will learn something valuable from every trip you take, so don't be afraid to make mistakes.

Tell yourself that you're okay just the way you are. Make friends who respect your true self.

Take the time to be alone, too, so you can know just how terrific your own company can be.

Remember that being alone doesn't always mean being lonely; it can be a beautiful experience of finding your creativity, your heartfelt feelings, and the calm and quiet peace deep inside you.

Don't ever forget that you are special and you have within you the ability to make your dreams come true.
---Jacqueline Schiff

Today's Dreams Are
Tomorrow's Successes

Don't be afraid of high hopes or plans that seem to be out of reach.
Life is meant to be experienced, and every situation allows for learning and growth.

Motivation is a positive starting point, and action places you on a forward path.
A dream is a blueprint of a goal not yet achieved; the only difference between the two is the effort involved in attaining what you hope to accomplish.

Let your mind and heart urge you on; allow the power of your will to lead you to your destination.

Don't count the steps ahead; just add up the total of steps already covered, and multiply it by faith, confidence, and endurance.

Always remember that for those who persist, today's dreams are transformed into tomorrow's successes.
---Kelly D. Caron

This is my all time favorite quote (I'm sorry I don't know where it's from): Any problem worthy of attack will prove it's worth by hitting back.

Where Is The Song Writer When You Need Him ~ Early Evening Thoughts

It's just now the end of another exhausting day. A lot was accomplished, but a lot is still on my plate. One of the areas that made it so exhausting was trying to make a schedule work ~ that was totally dependent on other people. I had a wonderful couple that wanted to move into the complex...people I've known for a long time. Unfortunately, the apartment they wanted was still occupied by someone who I had gotten an eviction judgement against and have been waiting for the constable to serve the "get 'otta' Dodge" papers to complete the process.

Yesterday, another apartment became available ~ however ~ it needed cleaning, making ready and getting the furniture into it. The couple I know were ready to move today, and with numerous phone calls, it appeared it was going to happen.

Now, I'm totally relying on other people to get it ready and someone bringing the truck with furniture for their apartment and one other - so I don't have to go through this again.

The couple (I'll tell more of their story in another post) arrive at 1:30pm and start moving into the apartment. No sign of furniture. 2:30pm, couple has almost completely moved their things into the apartment. Still no sign of furniture. I have no nails left from biting them.

3:15pm, truck arrives. The Mrs. of the couple is happy because she can go and pick her furniture "off the truck." I resisted ANY comments about buying fruit/vegetables or shrimp the same way.

3:30pm, somewhat burly help arrives to move the furniture and get it somewhat set up.

4:30pm, the move is now complete. In the process I've handled 15 phone calls and 3 people dropping by inquiring about apartments. (The saga of shifting locks around will remain for yet another story...just suffice to say, I'm not a locksmith I've decided.) I still have paperwork to complete and more phone calls to make.

It was at this point, a wonderful poem came to mind. With a little searching I found a copy of it, and I'm giving it as my evening meditation and thought for the day.

ERE sleep comes down to soothe the weary
eyes,
Which all the day with ceaseless care have
sought
The magic gold which from the seeker flies;
Ere dreams put on the gown and cap of
thought,
And make the waking world a world of lies,--
Of lies most palpable, uncouth, forlorn,
That say life's full of aches and tears and sighs,--
Oh, how with more than dreams the soul is
torn,
Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes.

Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes,
How all the griefs and heartaches we have
known
Come up like pois'nous vapors that arise
From some base witch's caldron, when the
crone,
To work some potent spell, her magic plies.
The past which held its share of bitter pain,
Whose ghost we prayed that Time might
exorcise,
Comes up, is lived and suffered o'er again,
Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes.

Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes,
What phantoms fill the dimly lighted room;
What ghostly shades in awe-creating guise
Are bodied forth within the teeming gloom.
What echoes faint of sad and soul-sick cries,
And pangs of vague inexplicable pain
That pay the spirit's ceaseless enterprise,
Come thronging through the chambers of the
brain,
Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes.

Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes,
Where ranges forth the spirit far and free?
Through what strange realms and unfamiliar
skies
Tends her far course to lands of mystery?
To lands unspeakable--beyond surmise,
Where shapes unknowable to being spring
Till, faint of wing, the Fancy fails and dies
Much wearied with the spirit's journeying,
Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes.

Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes,
How questioneth the soul that other soul,--
The inner sense which neither cheats nor lies,
But self exposes unto self, a scroll
Full writ with all life's acts unwise or wise,
In characters indelible and known;
So, trembling with the shock of sad surprise,
The soul doth view its awful self alone,
Ere sleep comes down to soothe the weary eyes.

When sleep comes down to seal the weary eyes,
The last dear sleep whose soft embrace is balm,
And whom sad sorrow teaches us to prize
For kissing all our passions into calm,
Ah, then, no more we heed the sad world's cries,
Or seek to probe th' eternal mystery,
Or fret our souls at long-withheld replies,
At glooms through which our visions cannot see,
When sleep comes down to seal the weary eyes.
---Paul Laurence Dunbar ~ 1872-1906
-->digital collection here<---

And Yet Another Flash ~ Early Evening Thoughts

As I've posted before, I enjoy flash fiction.

Other names for it include short-short stories, sudden, postcard,
minute, furious, fast, quick, skinny, and micro fiction. In France such works are called nouvelles. In China this type of writing has several interesting names: little short story, pocket-size story, minute-long story, palm-sized story, and my personal favorite, the smoke-long story (just long enough to read while smoking a cigarette). What's in a name? That which we call flash fiction, by any other name would read as bright.
---Pamelyn Casto

Aside from naming this fiction, there is disagreement about the length of the story. Some believe it should be no longer than 500, 700 or 1000 words and some even stretch the limit to 1500 words.

I'm going to present a couple more flash stories for your enjoyment ~ don't hesitate to bring other stories to my attention. I might use them in another post about the power of the flash fiction short!

The Silver Shadow

I see you. You're right there in front of me. But the closer I look the harder it is to recognize you, my silver shadow.

When I think of me, you're not it. My mouth doesn't frown like that. There aren't dark circles under my eyes. When I think of me I see that picture from 1970. Me watching my friends playing the guitar, smiling, laughing, eyes crinkled against the sun.

How did that girl become you? I don't remember seeing it happen. It must have been slow, the transformation insidious. Maybe during all those years I gave myself over to parties and adventures. I wouldn't have seen them then.

I only recall looking at you once during those years, when a two-week drunk was winding down. My bones ached; even my skin hurt. In the ladies room, leaning on a sink and trying to decide whether or not to become sick, I looked up and there you were. For a brief moment I didn't recognize you at all. That was the moment I thought I'd be better off without either of us.

I didn't notice you during the career years. I was too busy proving myself worthy of promotion above the level everyone wanted to relegate me to. Even in the bathroom, I didn't have time to do more than glance at you on my way out the door.

Now, you're the one that everyone else sees, what they use to judge me. But you're not me. You're just that silver shadow.
---Debbie Orton 2001

And flash is at it's best when there's a real twist to the story ~

One Night Stand

At first Dan Chandler thought there was a thunderstorm crashing overhead, but a moment later he realized the sound came from inside his throbbing head. He pushed himself out of bed and tried to stand up. The spinning universe didn't cooperate, so he sat back down. His surroundings were a blur, so he rubbed his eyes until everything came back into focus.

Where the aitch-eee-double-hockey sticks was he, he wondered. He certainly wasn't home in his clean and comfortable bedroom. The dingy room was small and sparsely furnished. Most of the interior was taken up by the king-sized bed.

It suddenly dawned on Dan just where he was. Memories from his bachelor days came rushing back. He was in a cheap no-tell motel.

This wasn't good, he decided. He wasn't a bachelor anymore. He hadn't been for years.

He had to concentrate. Last night. He was out with the boys on another harmless excursion with his wife's full knowledge and consent. He remembered going to the bar, and he remembered drinking, and . . .

Nothing. The rest of the evening was a total blank. Anything could have happened after that. He took a deep breath and exhaled. Panic wouldn't help. How bad could it be? It just wasn't in his nature to do anything stupid.

That was when he felt movement behind him. Twisting his head around, he finally noticed the lump beneath the sheet.

This wasn't his apartment. Ergo, the shape under the sheet probably wasn't his wife.

It didn't take Einstein to figure out he had done something really stupid.

In horror, he jumped off the bed. That was the worst thing he could have done. The sudden movement woke up the sleeper. She (Please, dear God, let it be she, he found himself praying) shifted around and muttered something Dan couldn't quite make out. Then she seemingly went back to sleep.

Standing at the foot of the bed, Dan noticed for the first time that he was completely naked. Springing into action, he frantically searched the room for his clothes. There weren't many places to look, but his quest turned up nothing.

Now, he realized, was the perfect time to panic.

The smart idea seemed to be to get dressed quickly and then to slink away without ever confronting his terrible mistake. It was a good plan—one with few holes. Unfortunately, now he would have to wake her up to find out if she knew what had happened to his clothes.

He leaned down and shook her. He got no response. He tried again, only this time less politely. Still nothing. All of Dan's anger at himself and at the situation boiled over. He grabbed the sheet and ripped it away.

For the first time, he got a look at his partner. He stared at the long blonde hair, at the ruby red lips. He ran his eyes down every inch of her body, noting the full breasts and the shaved privates and the long, long legs.

His body went cold. This was just not possible.

Suddenly, she opened her blue eyes. She smiled with white even teeth.

"Good morning, lover," she said warmly. She reached out her arms invitingly. Her arms ended in fingers, not unlike his own.

Dan couldn't help himself. He screamed and screamed and screamed . . .

***

Dan woke up screaming. The first thing he saw was the familiar ceiling. He was in his own bed, covered with sweat. Through the open door he could hear the sound of the shower running.

It had to be his wife. It was all a dream, thank God. He bounced out of bed and rushed to the bathroom.

"Honey, I just had the craziest nightmare," he said. He sat on the toilet and recapped his dream. He didn't leave out the slightest detail.

"It was just awful," he said in conclusion.

"Poor baby," his wife said sympathetically. "Why don't you come in here and let me make you feel all better."

Needing no further invitation, Dan grinned and opened up the shower door. KLiillllop wrapped her cold green tentacles around him and pulled him close.

"Are you certain you weren't the least bit turned on by the Earthgirl?" she teased. "After all. She is your kind."

"I never regretted crashing here," he said solemnly. "You're the only girl in the universe for me."

Coating him with her loving slime, she quickly made all the bad things go away.
---by Charles Richard Laing ©2007