The Pen Becomes Mighty ~ Late Evening Thoughts

Those who have followed this blog know that I love words, language and writing. It wasn't until tonight that I discovered ~ to my horror ~ that poetry is considered dangerous....


Yes, those wonderful collections of words are now terrorist material!!

You might want to get a pencil and pad to take notes ... everyone is depending on you!!!



Remember ~ no more poetry!! They will come and take you away!!!


Edit: January 29th, 9:49pm ~ I feel terrible! I forgot to mention that the video was taken from The Durn Moose blog - a really great blog that I try to read every day!!! Sorry Moose!!!!

There Was Calm Before The Storm ~ Early Morning Thoughts

In short ~ It doesn't rain but it pours!

In longer:

Today was to be a delightful, warm and sunny day. A day of relaxing, regrouping, and building back up to face the week.

Tonight in the space of two hours ~ Three major events, one very personal, one personal and one involving two very dear friends rolled across the horizon and opened up and the "quality of mercy" didn't drop as gentle rain - but in great big lumps!

I'm still dealing with two of the events, and I'll explain them tomorrow. I can say, however, thank heavens I had the day ...

The Cowardly Closet ~ Late Night Thoughts

In all honesty, I have been following the hypocrisy on both sides of the Imus affair,and had actually started a fairly lengthy essay on my thoughts. I took a break and started reading blogs that I follow each day, when I read today's post at A Spider’s Web in Thornton Park.

I felt as if I had been hit in the stomach with a fist. My sadness gave way to anger and then back to sadness. Spiders blog has been an incredible light in my world. He's just gone through heart surgery, is facing treatment (possible surgery) for cancerous tumors - and now this. All caused by anonymous scum that don't have the guts or "cojones" to come out their own closet to say or do what abhorrent things.

Yes, I deliberately used the phrase "out of the closet." To me, these people that hide behind anonymity are closeted bigots that would probably be completely comfortable hiding behind white sheets and pointed hats - or wearing green shirts with a swastika on the sleeve.

I have re-printed his entire post. Be sure to read it completely - then my statements at the beginning will make sense.

From A Spider's Web In Thornton Park

I had written the first part of this blog on Tuesday Night…

I just got back from a wonderful dinner with some friends tonight and my phone rang. It had been ringing all night long at dinner - but I didn’t answer it because it kept coming up Private Number and I didn’t want to take a call from an unknown person at dinner. So it rang again when I got home. I answered it and no one spoke on the other end… just sounded like a car radio on the line so I hung up. A couple of minutes later it rang again… and this voice said “Brett”… Has the cancer killed you yet? I said “No” and they said, "Damn it God - let the cancer kill him - let the cancer kill him” and they hung up.

Now, I can only assume that this is an individual who read my blog and I KNOW it is not any of my readers - I can only assume that it is the same person who was harassing me last year over my letters to Patty Sheehan. Only my blog buddies and my closest friends know about my illness - so it must be someone who reads or has read my blog.

So, gentle phone caller - sorry to disappoint you, but you did not upset me. I am not a basket case nor am I bothered. Actually, I just feel sorry for you… that something is making you do things like this. Calling me, telling my employer about me, none of that will make me die. I am too strong, too mean and too stubborn to die just because you want me to. Nope, sorry - someone greater than both of us will make that decision.

By the way… have a nice day and just remember - karma is a real bitch…

Then on Wednesday, I get this comment on an old post…
-----------------------------------
Um, yeah, hi, this is Death. I’m still gunning for Spider. I think the cancer will get him.

Death said this on April 11th, 2007 at 4:40 pm (edit)
-----------------------------------
Well… it is now Friday and I hate to say it but the gentle caller has won. He found some things on the internet that were totally personal and done on my own time. Long story short, I was terminated from work today because of a personal ad he forwarded to the CEO of my company, the VP of my division, the Chairman of the Board - my VP found it to be “disgusting, immoral, vile and made him sick to his stomach” - so since I could not be terminated for something that was done on my own time from my own home, I was terminated for sending personal e-mails to several friends and my parents from work.

So gentle reader, you win. I surrender; you have what you have wanted since July… I hope you are happy, I hope you sleep well tonight, I hope that you can look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.

I have also decided to put an end to A Spider’s Web in Thornton Park. I have enough going on in my life without having to deal with without having to deal with the nut cases out there on the net. A lot of the information general reader found out had to come from my blog… and I am just tired of thinking 3 times before I post something something. The loss is just too great…

I love you all, I thank you for everything - especially the love you showed me the past month… I will be around - I am sure that Tony and Sorted will keep you posted on my ongoing treatment.

It’s been real, it’s been fun - and it HAS been real fun! I am just sorry it has to end this way at this time - this may be closing the barn door after the cow ran away… but given the past month, I need to focus elsewhere - and not be looking over my shoulder.

I am really going to miss you all - each and every one of you.

And gentle reader, now that you have gotten what you want, maybe you will have the guts to tell me who you are…

~ by Spider on April 13, 2007.

--------------------------
Fear has its use but cowardice has none.
---Mahatma Gandhi

Cowards can never be moral.
---Mahatma Gandhi

The coward threatens when he is safe.
---Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Only cowards insult dying majesty.
---Aesop

Dear Spider ~ You have no idea how much I will miss you!!!

Friends(hip) ~ Early Morning Thoughts

As I continued to think about friends and friendships today, I was struck again by the truth of the quote:

True friendship is at once selfish and selfless. And both sides are necessary. Both sides are good.

Otherwise, it becomes something that is one-sided and (as I have learned) very unhealthy. And at times, that has been a problem for me. I have had a tendency (that I still have to battle with) to simply become a conduit for the other person. It's been a sense of giving them more importance than myself. I would placing their problems, joys, hopes, dreams above my own. I'll be posting as to how I realized what was going on, and what I've had to do to make changes. Tonight, I wanted to stroll through some ideas that have meant a lot to me about friendship and what it means.

The Gift Of Friends

There are days when
bubbling from us comes
the innocent child within,
who giggles at the little things
and wears a silly grin.

There are days when
melancholy comes to
visit for a while;
the mind feels tired, the body weak;
we have no strength to smile.

There are days when
joy abundant
grabs a hold of you and me;
wraps us up in all it's splendor,
lifts us up and sets us free.

There are days when
sorrow wraps us
in its cloak of grief and fear,
'till our hearts ache to the breaking,
'till our eyes can't shed a tear.

There are days when
love bestows us
with its wonderment and light;
with its beauty and its mystery,
its power and its might.

And there are days when
life rewards us
and seems to make amends
by granting us a marvelous gift,
the precious gift of Friends.
--Karin Schaefer

The next poem/statements really struck a chord with me the first time I read it. As a series of simple statements - each one if packed with power and truth. I also discovered that if I didn't agree with something he wrote, if I left it alone - I discovered he was generally right all along...

I am not your friend if. . .
you have to think a long time before you speak to me!

i am not your friend if. . .
my presence ever makes you feel uncomfortable!

i am not your friend if. . .
you have to continually say sorry for everything you don't do!

i am not your friend if. . .
you hesitate to ask me for favors!

i am not your friend if. . .
you think i would not be curious to know your new philosophy of life!

i am not your friend if. . .
you go by what i say and do not understand what i don't say!

i am not your friend if. . .
you think that listening to your dreams would put me to sleep!

i am not your friend if. . .
you think that seeing you in pain, would not bring a tear to me!

i am not your friend if. . .
you don't realize how your smile brightens up my day!

i am not your friend if. . .
you would rather keep quiet when you really wanna to talk!

i am not your friend if. . .
you hesitate to ask me to stay back when you think we should be together!
--attributed to a Serbian freedom fighter

And for the final thought in this post, a very short poem that absolutely made a difference in MY outlook the first time I read it. But then - being a terminal romantic (we're the ones that pat the sandwich after we make it - remember?) it would speak to me in many different levels.

Lost Treasures

They told me

that to truly find something,
you must first lose it.

So I lost myself,
and what I found was
you.

They were right.
--H. Lamb

--more tomorrow

"But They Made Me..."(continued) ~ Early Morning Thoughts

Little did I know when I posted early Sunday morning that I would have a couple of personal experiences to use for this post. I was to spend the day with D&D - a simple brunch, visiting an (overpriced) antique shop, and perhaps a not-so-gentle libation to complete the day.

D&D provided a delightful brunch and we headed off to window shop the antiques. The shop was packed with much to see - and a few things to try and avoid. My knees are not in the greatest shape, so the ability to sit down occasionally is regarded as a blessing. The chairs that were NOT for sitting had delightful piles of "stuff" on them. After having been wandering around (and suppressing gasps at some of the prices), I noticed two chairs of the fairly sturdy kind along a division. As I lowered myself into the chair, the arm literally snapped off in my hand. There is nothing like sitting in an antique chair with the antique arm off the chair and now in my antique hand.

No one made any derogatory comments concerning the incident - but it roiled inside me. I walked outside and thought about what had occurred and my reaction to it. Of course there was the embarrassment and no small amount to shame - but what really surprised me were the old "tapes" that began to instantly play in my head. Reminders of what had occurred before, and what words had been ingrained in me...that I thought I had replaced over time.

The words we live with can become something quite serious - The word CAN become the "thing." When I would hear the word "clumsy" I allowed that word to become the thing (me) and therefore I was clumsy. When the joke used to be made that I could trip on the seam of linoleum, I allowed those words to become the thing (me) and began to feel that everything I did had to live up to that label. By allowing the word to become the thing, I unconsciously began to look to incidents that backed up my feeling. Of course, the word was NOT the thing, but to me it was. By attaching power to words, I gave that word control. That control drove what I did, felt and created.

Words are not the thing they represent. What they are ~ representations of something. When I was growing up I became clumsy because I felt that word was what I WAS. What was happening; I had mapped out a territory and I was following the map.

Here's a fun party game (especially after a couple of drinks!). Hand your guests a piece of paper and have them map out in detail how to get from where they are sitting to their cars. They have to map out direction, the number of steps, the doors to open (and how those doors open), etc.. They give their map to someone else to follow exactly as written. (it helps to have a prize, by the way.) So if the map says "6 steps to the 1st door" and the steps actually require 10 steps, the map is invalid.

When I took on the "map of clumsiness" as my personal territory, I kept running into parts of the map that were completely inaccurate. Of course, it was easier to blame the territory rather than the map. It became easy to place the blame externally rather than looking inwardly to see what needed to be changed.

After posting Sunday night, I decided that I needed to fix my browser bookmarks. I'm not even going to admit how many there were/are. As I was moving and eliminating, with one keystroke, I completely eliminated a valuable (to me) collection of places. While my reaction included some very unprintable and in a couple of cases physically impossible reactions - it also included some chuckling. In the past, an incident such as this would have completed the map I had of my territory. I would have used words such as "idiot," "dummy," and others. They would not have been just an indication of irritation (!?), but would have been an indication of just how I felt about myself. It would not have been an unfortunate "goof," it would have settled to me what I was, and how I felt about myself. My innacurate map would have matched the territory - and to me the territory would have been safe and complete.

more on this tomorrow

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Choose your words, for they become actions.
Understand your actions, for they become habits.
Study your habits, for they will become your character.
Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.
--Anonymous