Random Early Morning Thoughts ~

A short while ago, I posted this years winning words and definitions from the Washington Post contest. I was hoping that there would be some further additions to the list. A dear reader/friend found these definitions to add list:

Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.

Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.

Pimple: n., pimp's apprentice.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Hopefully others will add to this list as well. Either take a word, and give it a new definition or change/add/subtract ONE letter from a word and give it a new definition.

And Moose (a blogger I am getting to know) at the durnMoose blog sent me one of the most mind-boggling attempts at communication I have ever read/attempted to read!

"As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know."
--Donald Rumsfeld

Take Time ~ Early Morning Thoughts

I ran across this poem today, and fell immediately in love with it. Hopefully, you will enjoy it as well.

Take Time For The Little Things

Take time...to notice the dewy web clinging cautiously to the morning grass.
Take time...to feel the fire's warm glow, and hear the crackling wood as it sparks randomly upwards.
Take time...to smell the sweet aroma of cookies wafting from the bustling kitchen.
Take time...to appreciate the laughter of children enjoying the first days of Spring.
Take time...to listen of the rushing stream as it glides swiftly under fallen limbs and over mossy pebbles.
Take time...to admire the diligence of the chattering squirrels seeking stores for their winter nests.
Take time...to wonder at the intricate crystal patterns frosting early morning windows.
Take time...to notice arid, shriveled leaves crunching with each step, along the tree-lined path.
Take time...to watch Autumn's crispness paint changes from branch to branch, decorating the landscape for a short time.
Take time...to feel the cool breeze blowing in the promise of a summer rain.
Take time...to hear the clicking crickets echoing in the blackness.
Take time...to count the stars as they emerge from the graying sky, one by one filling the dark.
Take time...to hear the lapping waves pound against the grainy surface, then recede in answer.
Take time...to enjoy the fragrant scents of blooming newness and life, sprouting an array of colors where brown slept many long months.
Take time...to follow a firefly as it winks across open-air chasing the evening silence.
Take time...to share a smile.
Take time...to give a hug.
Take time...to acknowledge a kindness.
Take time...to tell someone you care.
Take time...to say, I love you.
--Barbara S. Gosa

Poem In The Morning ~ Early Morning Thoughts

I wrote this poem and tucked it away. I shared it on a very active forum that I am a member of, and decided to share it here....

I look at your body lying next to me
on a bed rumpled by passion
by love
by animal magnetism.

I remember how we met,
We drank
we talked
We drank
We made mad passionate love.

And for me the earth moved
Falling out of bed
trying a move

And for me there were lights in the sky.
knocking the lamp off
the night stand.
But the flashes radiated from within
and without ...
trying
to reach deep within a part of me.

I see you with the
soft morning light
falling across your hair and face.
The softness of your faint
smile.

The gentle curves of
your neck and chest.

And I am forced to
say
forced to say
The five words I have
dreaded and longed
to
say
most of my
life.


“What was your name again?”


photo by Steve Savage www.savagephoto.com/meninbed.html
shore painting by Michael Ireland www.robinireland.com/MIrelandportfolio.html

Cowboy Wisdom ~

I just love "homily" on the range ~

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's good to know what it was.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Never squat down when wearing your spurs.

Early Morning Thoughts ~ "But they made me..." (continued)

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.
--George Eliot

As I looked back over the two(1) posts(2) I've done about choices, the reality of making these decisions personal becomes more and more important. I'm not talking about the choices that have the distinct road maps with the flashing signs saying: "turn here." But rather, the ones that are subtle, hidden and not so obvious. And, while they are subtle, hidden and not so obvious - they have ramifications that carry far beyond what we might think.

Instead of looking at life as a narrowing funnel, we can see it ever widening to choose the things we want to do, to take the wisdom we've learned and create something.
--Liz Carpenter

And, these choices are unsettling, there is no doubt of that. I don't like uncertainty. I put up with ZZ for the length of time I did partially because the choices I faced were not clear-cut and hanging heavy with the possibility of failure. Of course, when I was placed in a situation where I had to make decisions quickly and with little or no thought - I made some poor choices.

Happiness is not by chance, but by choice.
--Jim Rohn

But based on what I had faced over the past few years (I posted some heavy posts called Poison to Medicine that deals with that) I admitted where I made the choices, and work to change the ones that need changing - or - at the very least influence their outcome. This meant going deep within and really listening to what was within me. Of course, there were those that wanted to help - and I appreciate that. Ultimately however - the choice was mine. I was in a place where even if I had said "But look what they/he/she/you made me do!" would not only seemed hollow, no one (including myself) would have believed it. A speaker once said that the subtle choices ultimately should fall into three categories: Good ... Better ... Best ...

For what is the best choice, for each individual is the highest it is possible for him to achieve.
--Aristotle

These divisions appear to make the choices even more difficult, but in reality they make the road map more clear. First - they free me to not worry about where the pitfalls may lie. Had I listened to what I knew I would not have made the lesser choices I've made in the past. I would have taken the time and the energy to listen within and to see what would have possibly be a better option.

There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.
--Denis Waitley

I have mentioned the other night "poor Mr. Quinby" who had really sound ideas, but it is difficult to find direct mentions of him in this day and age. Part of the reason is that with many good and sound ideas, people took what was a good idea and took it far beyond what was the original intent or what could be support by actual experience. He charted choices, and realized that when I look at a choice ONLY as in the following:

That is GOOD or BAD
You should THINK or FEEL
Tell Me YES or NO
This Belongs To YOU or ME
Do You Love ME or THEM

I was limiting and in a sense, harming the decision making process. When many magicians do card tricks - the "pick a card, any card" type, very often the choice is forced. I will pick the card I'm supposed to - this also applies to my personal subtle choices:

Most of us have been raised with the "forced choice" of ONLY two choices -- but parents, teachers, siblings, lovers, therapists. Very often neither choices is useful as presented, and allows us only the unpleasantness of a double bind choice.

SHARING
is the common functional issue.
EITHER-OR
is the common dysfunctional issue.

But over and over, it comes back to the over-riding thought - we are personally responsible for the choices we make.

Right now you are one choice away from a new beginning - one that leads you toward becoming the fullest human being you can be.
--Oprah Winfrey

more on this tomorrow

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Choice Thoughts

Continuing yesterday morning's post on choice,
here are some other peoples thoughts:

George Eliot:
The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.

Denis Waitley:
There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.

John Wayne:
Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran:
We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.

Frank Swinnerton:
We would rather be in the company of somebody we like than in the company of the most superior being of our acquaintance.

Leo Buscaglia:
What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.

Edgar A. Guest:
You are the person who has to decide. Whether you'll do it or toss it aside; you are the person who makes up your mind. Whether you'll lead or will linger behind. Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar. Or just be contented to stay where you are.

Gene Roddenberry:
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.

William Jennings Bryan:
Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.

Aristotle:
For what is the best choice, for each individual is the highest it is possible for him to achieve.

Jim Rohn:
Happiness is not by chance, but by choice.

Wayne Dyer:
Heaven on earth is a choice you must make, not a place we must find.

Neil Peart:
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Liz Carpenter:
Instead of looking at life as a narrowing funnel, we can see it ever widening to choose the things we want to do, to take the wisdom we've learned and create something.

Napoleon Hill:
It is always your next move.

Jean Nidetch:
It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny.




Frederick Bailes:
Man’s power of choice enables him to think like an angel or a devil, a king or a slave. Whatever he chooses, mind will create and manifest.

Oprah Winfrey:
Right now you are one choice away from a new beginning - one that leads you toward becoming the fullest human being you can be.

If
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

A Modern Fable and Moral ~

Once upon a time - not so long ago, you became the ruler (through a battle of might and money) of a mighty kingdom. It was a kingdom with fabled history, long term residents and mighty stories of valor and bloodshed in the name of victory. Your kingdom grew and expanded. It was necessary to bring others into the kingdom, so you opened your stored land to all who wanted to be a citizen. Your numbers grew and grew. Eventually, you reached a landmark of 8,000,000 (give or take a few - those census takers never were accurate) and all was good. Your citizens participated in events, lived their lives and carved great names for themselves in battles mighty and small. They did tasks you presented them, and participated in on-going quests for magical items and heroic markers of great value. They explored the vast lands of your country and make in-roads against their enemies. And, most important, they all paid the taxes levied against them monthly so that your kingdom (and it's subsidiaries) could run smoothly and efficiently. While the tax was not terribly onerous, it none-the-less was collected monthly and those failing to pay the tax would find themselves banished into the outer darkness, where there would be gnashing of teeth and vague threatening utterances given voice.

But then, perhaps influenced by the lords of the realm, you decided to make life for citizens somewhat easier and more enjoyable. You allowed access to gifts that would allow them to do their tasks somewhat easier and allow tapping into the royal wisdom much easier. Had you consulted your seer of the month or even consulted ancient histories of realms such as yours, you might have avoided sorrow and unhappiness.

Alas, as with all societies, there were miscreants and misfits that tried to wreak havoc on the citizens of your fair land. There were those that learned the black magick arts of creating things they did not earn, or getting those that had to give unto them through great trickery and stealth. There were those that made great profit from the labour of others - who they paid only a pittance for their hard and often difficult work. There were those that deliberately scammed the citizens and took what they should not have. There were those that deemed ordinary labor too menial for their constitutions, and devised evil and devious ways of getting around the work that most citizens, while not always excited about what had to be done, were willing to forge ahead for the reward at the end.

You decide that perhaps these miscreants were not worthy of much attention or execution. However, as the fortunes of your citizens began to be impacted, and the economy of your land began to suffer - something had to be done. This also began to impact the social structure of the kingdom, labels and bigotry began to run throughout the kingdom creating strife and causing problems for your lords of the realm trying to keep peace and show others paths they needed to follow.

Finally, the summary executions began - small at first but gaining in momentum and numbers. You decreed that bigotry had no place in your kingdom and those that engaged in such were summarily banished...some for only a short time, others found themselves in outer darkness permanently. Again, through dark arts and black magick, some enemies of the realm found a way to pervert your kind gifts and steal information from your citizens that threatened their very lives and existence.

Scrolls of sorrow and woe began to arrive. Eventually, they began to pile up. All would have been well, but in the name of efficiency and better return on the taxes imposed - you had cut back on palace staff. You had given another company in another land control of the power source for the kingdom and removed certain lords of the realm as being redundant and unnecessary.

The gifts had become a liability, and something must be done. Through patience and subterfuge, the gifts were repaired, and most of the damage stopped. But what of those who had suffered. That remained the perplexing question. Through the living histories of the realm perchance the truth could be known, and the wrongs made right - but who would go through those histories to compare and note? There appeared to be no one capable or interested in the daunting task. And worse yet, it appeared that some of those histories might have been damaged and/or missing.

What should you do? How to make it so that you and your citizens may live happily ever after.

This fable is actually about what is arguably the world's most popular on-line game. World of Warcraft. I started playing shortly after the game emerged from beta and was a constant citizen until recent events forced me back to a very ancient computer (I found a spread sheet that Noah used to plan for animals on the ark) that could barely connect to the Wold of Warcraft website without crashing. (side note: anyone wishing to donate a computer - we can work out payment!)

Recently Chockoblog (a great conservative blogger!!!!) posted this on his blog and he and I had a slight comments discussion on another blog. Since then, we've communicated a bit more and I realized that my comments were not as helpful as they could have been - especially after I read this article

As I have looked around the horrendous amount of poor customer service that seems to be rampant today, this was - at first, just another example of shoddy service disguised as "helping." But having strong ties to this game and what happens within the game, I realized it is more than that. There have been several notable instances where Blizzard made poor choices and ended up backing-down in a firestorm of controversy.

Add-ons have been a problem for games since the beginning, however - as far as I am concerned if an add-on is "allowed" as acceptable, then the company should at least try to help those who were affected negatively by the results. Merely sending out "cut-and-paste" responses doesn't make the situation go away.

I also have to admit that I was offended (yes - that's the word) by the inclusion of the advertisement for the WoW expansion in the "tough luck player - we're going to/can do nothing to help you."

Research is always a problem in computer games and for the simple reason there is so much information tucked away in those wonderful main-frames that getting to it can be a major problem. However, it can and should be done in cases where the company has allowed something to occur. Of course there is always going to be fraudulent letters and fraud postings (remember all the "so-and-so died last night playing WoW their favorite game" on the boards?) But those can be sifted out and the nuggets of truth and problems remain.

From where I stand, staffing is the issue. There have been cutbacks in customer service staff around the world in many industries. Others have tried to solve the problem by outsourcing to another country ... usually with less than stellar results (other than a huge saving for the particular company).

I'm to the conclusion that the only methods left are to continue to refuse to accept less than acceptable answers. By the way, unless you have spectacular writers "cut and paste" responses simply don't work. And the other way is make known the problem as far and wide as possible. In my own small way I hope this can help your friend Chuckoblog. And let them know that - for what it's worth - they have my total sympathy and understanding. And for Blizzard?

Moral of the story:
Those who rule need to be careful that the citizens do not become terribly upset. There probably won't be a revolt, but there can be migrations to distant or not so distant lands that offer more of what is being sought. there can also be town criers in distant parts spreading the tales of woe, which might cause potential citizens to question moving.

Two final thoughts:
1) If Germany passes the law concerning violent games - it would become illegal and punishable for anyone to distribute or PLAY violent games. I'm afraid that the way it is currently worded World of Warcraft would fall into that category. Also, Germany is trying to get the rest of the EU to go along. Heads up Blizzard ...
2) If anyone sees my poor lonely Horde 'Lock Anugamma - give him a hug for me and let him know that I will be back with him as soon as possible!

Early Morning Thoughts ~ "But They Made Me..." (part 2)

On Tuesday I started a post on choices and the ones we know we should make -- even though we might not want to. What seems to be gaining prevalence is an inability to accept responsibility for those choices. What started the posting was the news report about a major AIDS/HIV organization suing the manufacturer of Viagra for causing people to participate in unsafe sex. My reaction was quite simple - gay or straight, we are personally responsible for the choices we make. We know about unsafe sex, we know that putting our hands through glass will cause cuts, we know that pouring a hot drink into our laps (or our children's laps) will be painful and may cause burns. To stand and say that someone/something made us make the wrong choice is a weak argument at best.

But what about the subtle choices...the one’s that don’t seem that obvious? This calls for going within, and listening to what is within us - regardless of our belief system. It's the listening to the inner self that allows more guidance on the subtle choices. I'm not sure that the four outcomes statement we learned in Science class applies to subtle choices:
I know that the subtle choices can cause a great sense of insecurity and unease. And that's because the outcome isn't readily known. I have to admit that what I am familiar with can not provide an answer that is guaranteed. And I have to focus on, what is for many of us, unfamiliar territory in making those decisions. Of course, I want to avoid the unexpected and undesired outcome, but there is almost no guarantee that can be avoided ... unless,
I make it a guidepost to weigh options carefully - and to listen within as I make the choice.

Listening within sometimes is quite difficult. With all that is around, and all the demands on time, energy and personality...I have difficulty hearing/listening to what is within. To what sometimes is the infuriating small voice that gently prods, softly leads and sometimes merely points. And, alas, it's also the realization and acknowledgement that the choice I make is totally my own and I have to look honestly and openly at the results.

When I force a choice on someone, or have a choice forced on me - the outcomes are seldom desirable or worthwhile, And quite frankly, if I'm having a choice forced on me, or forcing someone to make the choice I want them to make - it usually comes down to manipulation. The manipulation may be subtle (and usually is) or overt and annoying. However, I always have the choice to no longer "play the game" and usually can make the choice I feel is the correct one. Remember, I'm talking about the subtle choices - not the ones such as a work situation where it's the "my-way-or-the-highway" kind of "offer." (Although, there sometimes can be interesting ways to turn those situations.)

A speaker once said that the subtle choices ultimately should fall into three categories:

Good ... Better ... Best ...

Tomorrow, a look at those categories and an introduction to poor Mr. Quimby who has been degraded and made fun of, but actually had the right idea about making choices.

More tomorrow...

fourth illustration - Listening Within by Morte137 www.deviantaart.com/view/35250977

Another Elegant Timewaster ~

Here is another wonderful timewaster workday distraction called Catch-Thirtythree. It doesn't take long to learn, but to get your score where it should be? That's another issue!!



The objective is quite simple. Roll your cursor over the numbers (no clicking involved) IN ORDER from 1 to 33. Should be easy enough,right? Let me know your times.

Catch-33

thanks to Zon for showing me this game!

Jack Bauer KNEW It Would Come To This ~

But I Only Had ~ How Many?

Additional warnings on beer and alcohol labels

The FDA is considering additional warnings
on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an complete idiot.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and/or knees.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

tipsy photograph of "tipsy" game www.pocketgear.com

Early Morning Thoughts ~ "But They Made Me Do It ~

Today, I read a news article that really stunned me.

A major U.S. AIDS treatment group plans to file a lawsuit on Monday that accuses drug giant Pfizer Inc. of illegally promoting recreational use of its blockbuster impotence pill Viagra.

The AIDS Healthcare Foundation (AHF) told Reuters it wants Pfizer to be barred from marketing Viagra as a lifestyle or sexual enhancement drug. The nonprofit organization said Pfizer's actions had led to risky behavior by men and an increase in HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. (And they did not say gay or straight - just behavior by men)

"Pfizer has created and contributed to the perception of Viagra as a safe, sexy, lifestyle, recreational drug, to be frequently used regardless of the degree, or even existence of" erectile dysfunction, the group said in draft legal documents.

Pfizer, the world's largest drug maker, said it was committed to appropriate Viagra use and urged men to see a doctor for a proper diagnosis. The drug is sold by prescription. (Of course, both straight and gay “party spots”of any kind, have various people that can make it available without a prescription.)

While I personally feel that ED has become the latest “fashion illness.” For a gay organization to blame the drug or its ads as causing unsafe behavior is a twist of logic that bothers me.

It’s not the fact that it’s available readily that troubles me, it’s the unwillingness for people straight or gay to accept responsibility for their actions that is the most troubling. In the sexually charged atmosphere of a circuit party or a night out at the bar or private party, it can be difficult to avoid the enticement of all that is available. It is still a matter of personal choice as to whether or not to participate - and willing participation should result in a willingness to accept the consequences of the actions.

As a person I really respect once said: If you've lit the fuse to the bomb, you can't pray for someone to come along and blow it out...you either have to blow it out yourself, or decide not to light it in the first place.

But it seems that more and more, people want to avoid the responsibility for their actions/decisions and to try and find someone to blame. Someone to become the scapegoat. It would be easy for me to take this to the political arena, but that’s for another time I think. (Perhaps in a galaxy far, far away!) When I refuse to acknowledge that my actions have reactions, then I need to find someone to blame.

The Internet is littered with many stories about people who refused to accept the choices that they made, and seemed to get away with it. The burglar who fell through a skylight and wanted to sue because there was no warning label that warned him that falling through the skylight could be dangerous. The tourist that sued a travel agent because they weren’t warned that a coconut falling on their head could cause pain.

While laughable in some cases it points up a serious and growing problem. It’s an inability to acknowledge that what I do can/does have an effect, and that effect can be serious.

When my Father had a seizure and the resultant exams showed brain cancer - it was also discovered that he was addicted to pain killers, and had been for some time. I was impressed with my Mother’s reaction. She didn’t go after the doctor’s who wrote the prescriptions nor the several pharmacies that filled them. She went directly to the heart of the problem - my Father. Of course, by that time it was apparent that taking him off the addiction would be worse than treating the cancer. But at least there was control of the situation, and an acknowledgment from Dad that he had made some poor choices.

And that’s where the mountain seems to be...poor choices. And as far as sex is concerned, we know the correct choices. As far as some moments in our lives we know the correct choices. I know that hot coffee if it spills will hurt, that putting my hand through glass will cut...and the list could go on and on. But what about the subtle choices...the one’s that don’t seem that obvious.

the 2nd part of this tomorrow

But Will These Be In The O. E. D. ? ~

Each year, The Washington Post has a
neologism contest to supply
alternate meanings for common words.
This years winners:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

They also asked readers to take
any word from the Dictionary, alter it
by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter,
and supply a new definition.

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody Is sending off all these really bad vibes, Right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of Getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole

Thanks to fletcherbeaver for these