Early Morning Thoughts ~ Poison to Medicine (part 2)

Remember you've got a choice.

When you feel you can't handle something,
you can either choose to feel miserable and helpless,
or maybe put your life in someone else's hands to sort out - if they can be bothered.
Or you can decide to take charge ,
take full responsibility for whatever is happening,
even if none of it seems to be your fault,
and decide to turn poison into medicine.
- Geoff from the book, "The Buddha, Geoff and Me"

When I started telling my story about ZZ I wasn't sure where it would lead. I mean, I knew the story and the outcome; I was just not sure whether the story in public would end in a moral quagmire or some kind of reasonable moral outcome. This is not going to be one of those "stand up and cheer" at the outcome kind of stories, but hopefully I can reach out and let someone/anyone know that it IS possible to overcome. That no matter what is going on - and believe me I had a LOT going on - it is possible to turn poison into medicine.

As I continued to give up all that I was in a vain fantasy about what ZZ could/would be, I placed my very self in danger. I had begun to chip away at my core values. I firmly believe that these values are so deep and so much a part of our very make-up that they are what can pull us out of situations that otherwise might wipe us away.

As I kept trying to be everything ZZ wanted - what he wanted seemed to change. I was acting unaware of those changes, but continued to see him not as he was - but as I wanted him to be, as I wanted to see him.

And why not? He had what he wanted. I was there and doing as much as possible to make everything work. To make it as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Inside, my war was raging without any sign of an armistice, but he could go forth confident that all was well. That all was operating under his control.

And there was another key - control. By giving up of myself, my inner being, dreams and hopes (of the real kind) I was also giving up control. And, as usually happens, it all came crashing down...not once, but twice. The first was more of a farce. The second was the most real, frightening and horrifying moment I have had to face. Period. Because I had entered what I call the "dark night of the soul" I felt that I had to take measures that I did not have the privilege to take. I was convinced that I had reached a stage where there was nothing left but to leave it all. I made my plan very carefully ... oh yes, and very theatrically. Let me just say it involved not only the how - but the where and what it would look like. I guess being gay there had to be candles involved, and they were...set decoration, you know.

I had nothing left (or so I thought) and it seemed no where to turn. I had begun to become somewhat isolated and cut off from people. I didn't go out much, and didn't mingle that much when I did go out. I had lost my love of music, reading, people and theater in all forms. And why? For the reason that I had allowed:

1) Who/what I was to him was based on a lie of his choosing and my own accommodation of that lie,
2) I was trying to be what I was not and
3) I was giving up myself piece by piece - belief by belief. I also
4) was hiding my own lies about feelings, beliefs, dreams and hopes.
-- from Saturday's Early Morning Thoughts ~

If you have never been there - I mean seriously been there - be thankful. If you have been there in that dark night of the soul, then you know what I am sharing.

I want to be very careful that I do not leave the impression that I am laying everything at ZZ's feet. That is not the point of this series of postings. I can and will discuss at some point the what's and the how's...but the important thing that seems to press upon me is to make sure that it is very clear -- I was the one responsible for my choices. From the beginning of the relationship (non-physical as it was) I set the pattern in motion, and refused to allow it to stop.

And when it had to stop, I was at literally the psychological bottom. The moment was set, and the candles were lit. I was where I wanted to be, and where I was sure I would not be interrupted, or for that matter found for ... well, long enough.

I've lost animals, friends and relatives through death - but this was losing me ... even though I didn't think there was anything left, I was to discover that there was.

more tomorrow

Opps!

This could be put in the category of "oh, damn - my new shoes..."



This one will be difficult to defend as a field trip ... but then again ....

Lions and Brains and Sex ~ Oh My!

Since we as humans want to place everything in categories - neat, compartmentalized and easy to deal with. It comes as no surprise that people would be worried about the gender of their brains ... LOL

Want to know what your brain gender is?

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Give it a try...you might be surprised! ...

Early Morning Thoughts ~ Poison to Medicine

Remember you've got a choice.
When you feel you can't handle something,
you can either choose to feel miserable and helpless,
or maybe put your life in someone else's hands to sort out - if they can be bothered.
Or you can decide to take charge ,
take full responsibility for whatever is happening,
even if none of it seems to be your fault,
and decide to turn poison into medicine.
- Geoff from the book, "The Buddha, Geoff and Me"

The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination
where a person gains what he did not have
or becomes what he is not.
It consists in the dissipation of one’s own ignorance concerning one’s self and life
and the gradual growth of that understanding which begins the spiritual awakening.
The finding of God is a coming to one’s self.
- Aldous Huxley

Sometimes the randomness of thoughts link together and drive the consciousness into places and patterns I have no intention of letting it go. I had a delightful phone call from a dear friend this morning, and several of the topics that we/he gently touched on took hold and roiled around all day. This was also brought to fruition by a chat at the bus stop with someone I know is having a very tough time - with no support system (inner or without) to help.
While this dealing with inner issues certainly is not a bad thing - it did manage to consume time, energy and spirit. As I approached the evening time, I realized I was fatigued. A mental kind of fatigue that at first bothered me - but then I realized it was a fatigue from actually having accomplished some mental/spiritual things.

So, that led to the consideration that over these nights of ideas is the concept of truth, self and love . Is what happened preventing me from being my true self, the self I am intended to be. Was the progression in this life going to change me in such a way that I will not be the me I know now and that the me I know now will not be the me that other people know.

That's when I once again took a long hard look at a relationship that almost destroyed me. This time on paper - and to place it in public.

When I first met ZZ, he was - or seemed to be - a deep seeker. He also was delightful, charming, funny and in many was in need of support. We became friends. As the time went on I thought the friendship was deepening into a deep friendship. He was just getting over a very deep and prolonged long term relationship and looking, or so I thought, for support. I found out later that his relationship had been predicated on a lie - an absolute lie he created. He wanted me to just be a good deep friend. And I was willing to do/be just that. I didn't know about the previous relationship being built on a lie, and when he maneuvered me into being something I was not - and this is hard to admit - I went along with it.

When I made that conscious decision, I set myself of a path of absolute destruction. I had allowed the lie to come in, to begin to grow and to make itself quite at home. For a number of years, this lie was as a stage director consuming more and more time for the stage. As I wrote the other night on fences and boundaries - I also believed that the friendship could possibly deepen even further - even though I was so far off ZZ's radar I wasn't even a blip on the screen. I began to tear down boundaries and fences and to lay myself open. As I also said the other night, in a relationship this is something that has to be done - but in the wrong situation can be very dangerous.

Now, understand this relationship between ZZ and I was never physical. But it took me quite some time to realize/admit that it was a relationship non-the-less. But there were several things wrong on my part - 1) Who/what I was to him was based on a lie of his choosing and my own accommodation of that lie, 2) I was trying to be what I was not and 3) I was giving up myself piece by piece - belief by belief. I also 4) was hiding my own lies about feelings, beliefs, dreams and hopes. And, of course, when that happens, the well can and will run dry at some point.

Mine ran so dry that I ended up by giving up on everything including life. However, from that lower depths came a wondrous journey ... that has me where I am today. To quote what I posted at the top: The spiritual journey does not consist in arriving at a new destination where a person gains what he did not have or becomes what he is not.

Chapter two of the story or as a famous radio commentator/author might say: Tomorrow the rest of the story!

Tulip from Triumph Tulip by Steven N.Meyers (www.allposters.com)

Another Elegant Time Waster ~

If I hear another person say: "connecting the dots....."

That doesn't take away from the elegant simplicity of this game. Really all you need to do is complete the board with dots. What could be simpler? What could turn out to be more frustrating? And it's still a lot of fun!

Board Dots

Actually, "connecting the dots" IS marginally better than the phrase "at the end of the day," which, thankfully, seems to have faded into the night!