Early Morning Thoughts ~ The Winter Of Discontent ~

Recently I had the opportunity to tell someone that I had been where they were...that I had experienced the moments they were dealing with. It was not an easy conversation, not an easy moment to talk about, or to relive. It pulled truth from me that I had not wanted to look at or even discuss. But, if it could make a difference in someone not making a final decision they didn't have the privilege to make - my own mental anguish over telling my truth would be minuscule in the long run.

And actually, it helped me gain even more in my journey. It started me toward this blog, toward re-evaluating many things in and around my life.

I doubt that there is anyone who hasn't reached a winter of life. In my case, it became more than just a winter - it became a dark night of the soul.
I felt as a tree stranded in the middle of absolutely nothing. As if there were no leaves of any part of my life left.
That I was
faced only with the glares of
my failures. That was all
that was left of what might have
been, could have been. I was
ready to actually make it Final.

But, just as in this picture, something
stirred within me. I didn't realize it at
the time, but it was as a child's swing on my tree. Awaiting a new ride and rider. At that time, I began to replant my garden of tomorrow and the garden of possibility!

I am grateful for this picture from my friend Chris in Pennsylvania. He had no idea what I had in mind for it, but graciously gave me permission to use it as I saw fit. It may NOT be used without his permission. While he is by far one of the sweetest internet friends I have,
he certainly could be provoked.

One kind word can warm three winter months.
- Japanese proverb

I read a large number of blog postings each day (I'm not going to tell you how many, or you'll think I have no life what-so-ever!). And I am continually reminded just how important we as people - and even more so - as gay people are to each other. We get so caught up in the "gayness" of our lives, that sometimes we forget the "humanness" of it. When that happens we start to lose leaves off our tree, and the bareness begins to show through. And searching for something to fill that void, we begin to frantically search for anything that will cover it up, create a distraction or numb it for a time.

Green thoughts emerge from some deep source of stillness which the very fact of winter has released.
- Mirabel Osler

This has been a fairly long journey for me. Having lost almost all, to begin to gain things back. But, having been to the point of almost losing everything (and I do mean everything - including life-!) I value now what I am finding/creating inside. And no, there is nothing perfect as it goes along. I'm still an - how did that one blog put it? Oh yes, "elderly frights" (older man - thanks Troll At Sea). But having been "there" and back, I also know the value of being able to wrap my arms around someone (or have them do it to me) and say "It will be ok" in a way that the words carry the meaning they are supposed to.

In a way Winter is the real Spring - the time when the inner things happen, the resurgence of nature.
- Edna O'Brien

So - using the nursery rhyme - Oh Mary, Mary. Quite the fairy - how does YOUR garden grow?

More on this for another post....