Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Delete, delete ... opps!

The beauty of e-mail is the quickness of sending, receiving and replying. No more waiting a day or two or three - now, a few clicks and it's sent. And with certain people, a few moments and a reply.

However, with that quickness came a sickness - spam (used to be the junk mail I tossed into the garbage can) and all the helpful advice.

This is my way of saying thanks for all the helpful advice I've received:

--Because of rat poop in the glue on envelopes, I now use a wet towel (or my cat's tongue) with every envelope that needs sealing.

--I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

--I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

--I no longer eat a any fast-food chicken place because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

--I now longer eat fast-food hamburgers as their meat is nothing more than ground-up worms.

--I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

--I have learned that my prayers get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (and I will get my answer within four hours)

--I longer drink a certain brand of cola because it can remove toilet stains and clean crud off car battery connections.

--I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

--I no longer boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.

--I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with some deadly disease.

--I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

--I no longer talk to people as they may drug me and steal several of my vital organs.

--I no longer receive packages from any courier company since they are all actually terrorists in disguise.

--I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a gazillion dollar phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan or Seattle.

--I no longer have any sneakers, I sent them to a kid in Namibia - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

--I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their $250 recipe.

--I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bottom. And I spray mine each time with bug spray just to make sure!

--I can live a better life now because Andy Rooney has told me how to fix everything.

--I don't ever pick up $1.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath a car to grab my leg.

--I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain oil companies on ceratain days.

--I took out a 2nd mortgage on my house, but I'll be able to pay it off as soon as all the exciting stocks I received "private tips" about reach their full potential.

-- I will have health insurance coverage for any condition known or un-known as soon as the 16 policies I purchased come to me.

-- I no longer watch TV as people will send me the clips of the shows I miss and wanted to miss. And, I no longer have to go out to see people make idiots of themselves, the clips are available 24/7.

-- I will share the 17 million I'm about to receive from the overseas government official trying to escape with a lot of money, with all my friends. (Yes, I know he only offered me 10% of it - but I'm greedy!)

--As soon as Bill Gates/AOL/Netscape and the others pay off for participating in their special e-mail tracking program, I will move all the money into an off-shore bank, which I will incorporate in Nevada.

--And my love life (sex life?) will certainly improve when all the cheap enhancement drugs I can order ONLY by e-mail arrive.

So, for now - I'm enjoying my cup of coffee and trying to decide on which overnight, no exercise weight loss drug I should order!

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