I had directed several productions while there and they were very successful (even award winning). There was a script that had been around for several years. Each year it would be considered and for various reasons not included in the season. It was a play with a delightful premise and was quite amusing as well. I finally prevailed in committee and the play was added and I was to direct it. As a premier (premiere?) I was sure that there would be no problems with either the script, casting or production. Quoting from the last post:"I spent a tremendous amount of time with the script -
many meetings with designers and such, and would then plunge off into what I expected the production to be like and look like. (are you paying attention to the pronouns and expectations here?) Rehearsals went quite well, and I was quiet pleased with the result. There were a few nagging questions from various people associated with the theater, but I was convinced the final result would answer all doubters. The show had spectacle, humor, tenseness, drama and a happy ending. I had even added a number of abstract moments in the show (something that was only hinted at in the script) and expected that the audience would enjoy and follow along with them."I was sure that my expectations were going to be fulfilled the way I intended. There would be amazing reactions from all concerned. There were reactions, to be sure. However, they were not what I intended nor, in some cases, wanted. I ran headlong into the wall of expecting answers according to my expectations. While not a failure, it was not a success either.
I've written before about my non-relationship relationship with ZZ. This is probably the most personal of the false expectations trap. Not only did I have false expectations, but I had various people at various times point out that my expectations were false and that I was headed for serious problems. But along with the false expectation I had added yet another luggage tag:
2) Fantasy travel: A very weak color, which leads away from the bright color of reality.
I was so sure that everything was going to turn out as I expected and desired,
I literally decorated my luggage of life with various tags - the one of fantasy travel being quite prominent. And for an incredible number of years, I clung tightly to that tag - believing that ZZ would change, that our entire lives would change. And it never happened. But, of course, I had invested to much into the false itinerary, I became overwhelmed by the idea of making it a reality and making the journey fit what I felt it should be. And long the journey, I lost myself. I fell into several major traps because my expectations were not grounded for flight school as they should have been.My identity is not a by-product of activity.
Even at my ... ahem ... age, life can be quite full of activity. But none of these defines who I am, and what journey I'm taking. I can be going and doing various tasks all day and sometimes into the evening, but these are simply tasks - things to accomplish. None of these are really who I am.
My identity is not a by-product of relationship.
I learned this painfully with ZZ. And, of course, still have to have an occasional refresher course as my journey continues. That's why the quote that a fellow blogger Nodrin King left me is so powerful and true. I have to develop who I am. I have to take the journey of finding myself and becoming comfortable with myself. And as the quote puts it at the end - My relationships can be a by-product of how I view my identity and myself.
"Happiness is not something that someone else, like a lover, can give to us.
We have to achieve it for ourselves. And the only way to do so is by developing our character and capacity as human beings; by fully maximizing our potential ... What is important now is to work hard at developing yourselves into truly wonderful human beings. Ultimately, the relationships you form are a reflection of your own state of life."--more on all this later
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