(As posted on his blog,) my truth to Jake was "What is a moment that gave you the most sensual pleasure when you look back on it. (doesn’t have to be sexual - sensual was a deliberate choice.) And why…."
One moment guys…while I take a trip down memory lane…
I’m going to start this post with the quote that will forever be etched in the depths of my heart and soul…
You never know what you have…until it’s gone…
September - 1995 (me: 15 years old)
The Alarm started it’s long forgotten temper tantrum at a quarter to seven in the morning. I peered across the room through squinted eyelids attempting to see the thing that had so rudely intruded upon my dreams… I laid there a few minutes wondering how long an alarm goes off before it shuts up on its own, but then couldn’t handle it any longer…
My fist came down on top of the cheap plastic alarm clock my Mom had purchased last year, after deciding it was a better alternative to waking me up herself. (I guess even then I was a bitch to wake).
Today…Was the first day of my High School Career… and My first day back into “the population” as an “out” gay male. You see…the last few weeks of Junior High…I announced my “gaydom” to who I thought at the time were my closest friends. Now to give you an idea on how quickly “Jake’s a Fag” spread through my junior high…think of the way a Christmas tree looks and feels 4 mos after the holidays…now add a little gasoline, and a match… poof right… yeah…well you get the idea.
So…Off to hell I went.
My first class was unique…Health class…for the life of me I can’t remember the teachers name, but she was an Ex-Cheerleader for the Dallas Cowboys, and cooler than shit. Midway through class a boy walked in, backpack slung over one shoulder, soft leather jacket, Blue sparkling eyes, and thick brown hair…(yeah I know…worse than a teenage girl). He moved across the front of the class, handed the teacher something, and she pointed to the rest of us in a general direction telling him to choose an available desk.
Now..here’s where she became cooler than shit… None of the desks around me were available…but…she saw me eyein’ that boy up and down…and worked magic.
Teacher: Sean…Wait a second..(she gave me his name)…
Sean: *standing in the middle of my row of desks*
Teacher: Jake…switch with (whatever the bitches name was - directly to my right)…and (bitch’s name) you sit right here…(taps an open desk at the front of the class)…Sean you take Jake’s desk.
I could have kissed her… She gives me his name, gives him mine, and puts us next to each other…coincidence right…wrong….while I was moving myself to the desk next to me the teacher winked at me. I couldnt help but blush and grin… (BTW…All my *Evil Grin’s* come from her…she used to grade our papers and if she really liked something she would *evil grin* next to it.)
The rest of the class flew by with me trying not to be obvious about staring at him…he was hot. After class during passing I stopped him on the way out of the room…
Me: Jake…(pushing my hand into his)
Sean: Yeah… I know…(grinning)… Sean…
I think we checked out each other’s schedules, and he talked about the JR high he went to, what he didn’t get to do over the summer, etc.. Random Bullshit… and we went our separate ways. The day continued, and I completely forgot about him…(applause for the attention span of a horny 15yo)…
Until…After school I stopped at a fast food joint all the kids used to go to, bought something to eat, pulled out homework or something I’m sure and began being the book work grade A student I was.
A Large Coke slammed itself on my table…The sweat from the wax coated cup dotting my paperwork.
Sean: Anyone sitting here?
Me: (Flashback to early AM…big nervous swallow) no…
Sean: good…
His voice was soft, his tone warm…and I’d venture to guess he was as nervous as I was… The debris of my homework quickly cleared the table, and we sat, ate…talked…laughed…and then… I slipped…
Me: You have Wiley? He’s hot…………………………………….(big nervous swallow…fuck)
Sean sat there quietly as my face went pale, and my hands went cold and clamy…
“I knew it…” he said quietly, as his hand moved across the table to hold mine…”I thought so too…”
He blushed…My heart was about ready to beat it’s way through my ribcage… In my head, I was dancing around like a little boy, screaming, giggling, singing some cheesy happy song, the whole works…but in reality I was sitting there just smiling…not a cute smile..but the really big annoying ear to ear smiles some people get…LOL…
We shared our coming out stories, our fears, our triumphs, our new found love for Mrs. what’s her face in health class…the time moved as if we had an endless supply of it… When we finally left the restaurant the stars were out, and the moon was high in the night sky. His attention was to the sky as he inhaled the fall night’s air in a big long drawn out sigh. The moonlight outlining his profile, his eyes not the sparkley blue they were just 10 mins ago. They were a deep slate gray under the stars. He turned to me, cupped my head in one hand, caressing my cheek with his thumb, moved in close and kissed me… I couldn’t watch him walk away…I would have ran after him…when I finally did look back…he was gone.
And HERE is the rest of this story ... It was posted on his site several days ago, and I'm sorry I missed it!!!
Sean and I spent a lot of time together during those first few weeks of school. During that time we learned a lot about each other, and formed an extremely deep emotional, and loving bond. I fell in love with Sean, and he with me…It was never said…not out loud, but it was there. As dangerous as the relationship was (dangerous at school, and medically speaking) we didn’t care… We were careful, but no matter how careful we were, I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. You see… Sean was raped when he was 10 yrs old by a male babysitter. That rape resulted in Sean contracting HIV. During the short time Sean was in my life, I witnessed a beautiful person wither, and fade. It was September of the next school year when Sean took up residency in a local hospital room… I was sitting on the edge of his bed, the nurse told me I couldn’t stay long (she let me in even though I wasn’t “family”…)
He didn’t look like my Sean…He was pale, and he struggled to smile… I laid next to him and held him tight…
“I love you Sean….”
after a pause that seemed like an eternity…He smiled at me, and I saw that sparkle in his eyes again…
“I knew it…..” he whispered…
He gripped my hand tightly, and drifted off to sleep…
I got up carefully as to not wake him, and tip toed out of the room…
My heart was warm and full of joy as I walked down the hall, but at the same time it felt heavy…My baby was sick in the hospital…
As I rounded a corner in the ICU a slew of nurses rushed past me…she was one of them…the nurse who let me into Sean’s room….
Sean’s Mom gave me the watch I had given him as our “first month” anniversary gift. She told me he wanted me to have it, and that he wanted me to know how much he loved me…
I wore that watch until it stopped working…and now it sits in my home…one of my most precious possessions…
That brief period of time…was…..no…is my most sensually pleasurable memory…and will always be…Sean was my first true love… I’ll always love him…
Thanks Sean…
No comments:
Post a Comment