Here are my fantasies about what was said over the New Year's holiday, with inadequate acknowledgments to various contributors, some of whose words I've adapted a bit:
The press's attitude toward President George Bush: "People say satire is dead. It is not dead; it is alive and living in the White House."
The public's contempt for corruption in politics: "Politics are so corrupt even the dishonest people get screwed."
The press on the new Congress: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
The Democrats on their contempt for the Republican health plan: "Just say no to sickness."
A politician's assessment of TV commentary: "TV is the goose that lays the golden eggs. You can't blame it for not producing caviar."
The public on politics in general: "Look up the word politics in the dictionary. It is the combination of two words: poli, which means many, and tics, which means bloodsuckers."
The Republicans on Democratic suburban liberals: "It is easy to be politically correct and liberal when you live in a gated community."
The press on the political attitudes of the different parties: "A Democrat sees the glass of water half full; a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who the hell drank his glass of water."
The press on the press: "Asking a journalist what he thinks about a politician is like asking a dog what he thinks about a lamppost."
George Bush on his ambitions for transforming the world: "I would love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper."
An economist on the disparity of incomes and the flow of income to higher income brackets: "A fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place."
On Christmas gifts: "I have all these people to give Christmas gifts to, and you know what I find? There are some very nice things at the 99-cent store."
On personal finance: "I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money I will ever need if I die tomorrow." "At the ATM, they ask if you would like to conduct your business in English or Spanish. I suggest you try Spanish because your account balance would look much better in pesos." And "Money can't find happiness, but it helps you look for it in more places; and what's the use of happiness if it can't buy you money?"
Ministers on their support of birth control: "Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion."
A minister's view of evolution: "I don't understand evolution. If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Why couldn't they make it over the hump?"
The public on the age of technology: "I shop at a computer store called 'Your Crap Is Already Obsolete.'"
The public on cynicism about the police: "We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before the police." And a recent police study found that "you are much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
Advice on life: "The definition of old is always 15 years from now." "You know you are getting old when you walk at the cemetery and two guys run after you with a shovel."
Middle age: "when your age is starting to show around the middle."
On dating: "Men always say the most important thing in a woman is her sense of humor. Do you know what that means? They are looking for someone to laugh at their jokes."
On life: "People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door."
On the work ethic: "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit."