The Twelve Days of Christmas ~
What Really Happened...
What Really Happened...
Letter sent on the first day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 14, 2000
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Jennifer
Letter mailed on the second day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 15, 2000
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Jennifer
Letter sent on the third day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 16, 2000
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Jennifer
Letter mailed on the fourth day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 17, 2000
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Jennifer
Letter mailed on the fifth day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 18, 2000
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Jennifer
Letter mailed on the sixth day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 19, 2000
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Jennifer
Letter mailed on the seventh day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 20, 2000
John:
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There's bird droppings and worse all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop sending me all these birds!
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Letter mailed by special delivery the eighth day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 21, 2000
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows! There is crap all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me,smart ass.
Jennifer
Letter mailed (return receipt requested) the ninth day of Christmas...Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 22, 2000
Hey! Flushing Toilet for Brains,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Jennifer
Letter sent by overnight courier the tenth day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 23, 2000
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room buried in soft cow pies. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
Letter sent by telegram the eleventh day of Christmas...
Miss Jennifer Masters
227 Aggar Avenue
Bigfork, Montana
December 24, 2000
Listen! Loser,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of them are considering filing sexual harassment charges against ME for having those #@$*() lords! Those pipers ran through the maids and I'm convinced are beginning to think about the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the mayhem. I hope you're satisfied,you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Jennifer
Letter hand delivered by a sheriff's deputy the twelfth day of Christmas...
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 2000
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Jennifer Masters. The destruction of the house, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Masters at Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Please note that under separate cover, the deputy who delivered this has a warrant for your arrest.
Wishing you the best for the holidays!
Badger, Bender and Cajole
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